He's dead, Jim.

Some people say that births, deaths and weddings bring out the worst in family members. I have a tale to tell about my daughter's birth causing a family member to die. No, not a literal death. More like one of those mob family deaths, as in "He's dead to me."

So my in-laws came to visit. The idea behind their two-week visit, as I understood it, was that they were coming out to meet the baby and to help out. Two weeks seems like way too long, in retrospect. I'm not actually sure I knew it was going to be two weeks until they were on the road, but then I was 8 months pregnant when this was all finalized, so it's totally possible that I was informed but the info just flowed off my brain while I worried about other stuff.

Anyway. Meet the baby, they did. Helpful? Well, yes, periodically. MIL, to her credit, helped us prep for and clean up after a "meet the baby" party we threw last weekend. She also spent hours and hours and hours holding and changing the diapers of the young lady I sometimes refer to as Princess Poops-A-Lot. I was able to get some important paperwork taken care of, laundry done, and a variety of other household chores wrangled that require two hands and/or half a brain to manage properly. Truth be told, I'd much rather have spent the time holding the baby and resting while someone else did the chores, but sometimes it's just easier to do things yourself, and I appreciated the thought behind the gesture. Too bad I can't end this story here, but ... well ... shit happens.

As some of you know, my in-laws and I have a bit of a history, particularly when it comes to visits involving new babies. Suffice it to say, there's been some drama in our past. And then more drama about my blogging about the drama. And all that drama nearly ended my marriage, which was already in dangerously rocky territory. I haven't blogged about that part, but trust me when I say that the Mister and I were very close to calling it quits for awhile there.

Fast forward two years to the last day of their most recent visit. We were all freakin' exhausted. The Mister and I had been averaging 3, maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. The night before, I think I got 2 hours. Brother has a horrible cough, had been on a multi-day hunger strike, and has been having sleep problems again. His behavior ranges from fragile and sweet to maybe-we-should-get-professional-help atrocious. He's waking up multiple times in the night wailing, and I suspect that he is waking more times than we realize (Sister has a strong set of lungs and is not afraid to use them), perhaps as often as we are, which of course is making him act out even more during the day. The ILs stayed at a motel, but had been at our house for dinner often enough that they'd seen Brother's mealtime madness and had an opportunity to form judgments about the ways that the Mister and I are trying to deal with his behavior. They hadn't said much, but they definitely let their opinions slip in here and there. I was proud of myself for successfully biting my tongue when the how-to-parent-properly opinions got tossed around. I kept telling myself that the only kids the ILs have raised are now creeping up on 50, and the memories of how it actually feels to be parenting in a sleep-deprived state have probably faded to very pale and wispy clouds. In other words, I was trying to cut them some slack. But the comments did begin to wear at me, and this had been an unusually long visit during a very stressful time.

The Mister decided that it might be good to go out for dinner to "a restaurant with toys" (aka a brewpub with a play area). The one we went to was crowded as hell, and the crop of kids was older than usual and very rowdy. Brother had just come from preschool and was exhausted. He promptly picked up a toy and hurled it at another kid, hitting him in the face. Awesome. It took us a half-hour of disciplining/consoling him before we could even order our food, and when the food came, of course he didn't want to eat it. We ended up putting him in a high chair because he was acting out so badly. Disheartened and depressed, I turned to the Mister and started telling him that I'm concerned Brother may be displaying ADD behavior.

MIL interrupted me. "He's three!"

Yes, I started to explain, but I've seen behavior that can't be explained away by his age ...

She interrupted me again. "He's three!"

I started to reply, but realized my "just let it slide" defenses had reached their limit. I was tearing up from anger, frustration, exhaustion, hormones, whatever. My baby isn't even a month old yet, my older child is displaying very worrying behavior, I've had houseguests for half of the time I've been home from the hospital, and now my MIL is both interrupting me and dissing my very valid concerns about my child. Where to begin expressing how wrong all of this is?!

MIL saw my tears and shot me a look that said "what's wrong with you?" So I replied, in what was undoubtedly an angry tone, "He's MY kid!"

"What?! What brought that on?" she said in a shocked tone. Part of me says it was faked shock. But let's be generous. Maybe she really didn't know why I was fed up. So I started to explain. "He's MY kid and I'm trying to explain that I think something is really wrong with him, and you interrupted me twice ..." (At least, this is what I think I said. It's what I meant to say, and it's the gist of what I remember saying.)

One thing is certain. This is the point where FIL lost his frickin' mind. "Shut up! You just SHUT UP!" he bellowed. I gaped at him, as the restaurant fell silent. The man was a professional actor and knows how to project his voice. All eyes were on our table. "NO ONE talks to my wife like that! God DAMN it!" he yelled, then got up and stormed out.

Um, okay. Let's take this step by step.

• My father-in-law (a man who prides himself on being cultured and gentile).
• Cursed me out. (I remember him saying "God damn you", but the Mister swears it was "it", so I've provided the gentler version. Regardless ...)
• In a restaurant that was full of families with kids.
• In front of my husband.
• In front of my children.
• Less than a month after I'd given birth to the second of his only two grandchildren.

Nice, eh?

I feel compelled to point out that, although he said no one talks to his wife like that, he should have added "except me." Their conversational style is an endless nit-picking argument, with her peck peck pecking at him, and him responding by bellowing things like "No it's not a hot day, for god's sake!" It drives me nuts. It's so habitual that the Mister thought it was the way all married people talk to each other, and when he started using that conversational style with me, it became fodder for more than one marriage counseling session.

But let's back up. What exactly did I say to her that was so offensive? Nothing, as far as I can tell. My sin seems to have been confronting her at all. See, their family doesn't discuss difficult topics. They talk about other people and other people's problems, but if there are interpersonal problems that involve one of them, their approach is to sweep it all under the rug. MIL has actually lectured me about this in the past when I have insisted on discussing difficult topics with her. They are simply not used to being confronted about anything they say. So when FIL said "no one talks to my wife like that," he may be speaking a literal form of truth. The Mister's brother and his wife have given up speaking to the ILs entirely for months at a time, because it's easier than trying to have an honest conversation with them.

Of course, none of that gives FIL the right to yell at me in this manner. My friends have offered possible explanations -- is he an alcoholic? suffering from early onset Alzheimer's? No and no. He's hard of hearing, and I doubt he actually heard or understood what I was saying to MIL. My read is that he saw me confront her and lost his marbles. The Mister says he thinks FIL was just worried about MIL crying all the way home (because she apparently did that the last time) and lost his temper, but that's no excuse.

The aftermath? Nothing. Nada. Zip. The Mister sat there with his head in his hands. Afterwards, he admitted that his parents were in the wrong. I suggested that an appropriate response might have been "No, YOU shut up. No one talks to MY wife like that." He said he didn't want to escalate thiings in a public place, and I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense. But it would certainly be appropriate for him to have that conversation later in private, and I'd pay good money to see it happen.

MIL's response was to completely ignore her husband's outburst (lift carpet, sweep unpleasant thing underneath, ignore, repeat) and to change the subject. "I really don't know why you care about my opinion!" she said, shaking her head in (fake?) dismay. Um, if you don't want me to care about your opinion, why share it with me at all? Honestly, I think she had no idea what I was talking about and no matter how long I took explaining it, she still wouldn't understand. As far as she's concerned, it's just another instance of me overreacting to a harmless statement. (For context, "harmless statements" in the past include her spending the weeks after Sammy died yammering at the Mister that we had to try again right away or her father's lineage would die out. Not once did she offer me condolences for our loss.)

Have they apologized? Nope. And until they do, they're not welcome in our home, nor will they be seeing their grandkids. (And the apologies need to be real, as opposed to the stuff I've heard in the past -- e.g., "I'm sorry for anything I may ever have done that upset you" -- which is just like saying "I'm sorry you feel hurt" -- it's a BS apology that doesn't name or take any responsibility for one's actual actions. A real apology would be "I'm sorry that I said you'll be able to get pregnant now that you lost one baby. That was rude and insensitive of me.")

Will they be furious that I've blogged about this? Absolutely. But FIL lost the right to feel outrage when he cursed me out for no reason in front of my kids. Folks have tried to tell me that there is real value in kids having grandparents, no matter how damaged the grandparents may be. But if the kids see the grandparents treat their mother with utter contempt and disrespect, where is the value in that? It's better to have no dad than to have a dad who beats your mom, and the same can be said for the rest of the extended family. Kids learn to imitate what they see. I worked too hard to build this family to allow that kind of behavior to stand.

So, yeah. Good times.

Comments

[Queenie]

People who come visit you after you have a baby are supposed to do the laundry and the dishes and vacuum and make you casseroles and hold the baby so you can take naps during the day to make up for the sleepless nights. They're supposed to play with your toddler to exhaustion during the day, so the toddler sleeps through the night. But most of all, they are supposed to be really, really nice to you no matter you say, no matter how much they may not like it (and you didn't say anything wrong at all, in my opinion). This is YOUR family's time (meaning you and your kids and husband), and they are supposed to be there to support you during the craziness that is those early weeks. I'm so sorry that didn't really happen for you. You totally deserved more.

But thank you for sharing. We've been talking about when my MIL should visit after the baby is born. I think you've just convinced me to move her visit from 6 weeks to 3 months after the baby is born, when I will (hopefully) be in slightly better shape and more able to deal with unsolicited advice and the overall lack of the kind of help that you really need after having a baby. :)

[It Is What It Is]

I completely and utterly empathize with you and let me first say that it is completely and utterly untrue that there is real value in kids having relationships with damaged, unattuned, misattuned grandparents. Our #1 job as caretakers to dependent children is to NOT pass on the wounds that we have that were perpetrated by the adults in our lives. Any parent who says otherwise to you is projecting their shit with their parents onto your situation.

My mother is a high conflict person and I have just come to learn (at almost 46) what that has meant and continues to mean to me but more importantly to my young (almost 5) son. I have tried and tried to fashion a relationship for him to have with her against my better judgement and things just continue to deteriorate (in terms of her treatment of me and our relationship, but also in terms of how she manipulates my son) and my therapist finally said to me, "why do you want to expose him to the very person whose behavior has driven you (a grown woman and mother) into therapy?" And she was right and I stopped and because of it my parents rarely, if ever, see my son, and they live 4 miles away. And, while I find that sad for them, my son is the winner because he will not have heaped on him the mountains of shit that were heaped on me (even if they are diluted because he is a generation down the family chain).

This is all to say that we need to demand better for our children and that anyone that isn't capable of unconditional love and support should be denied access and NO ONE should enable them to continue their bad behavior (just to keep the waters calm, make peace, or whatever). That's cowardly bullshit. (Can you tell this strikes a chord with me?)

[Mrs. X]

You've had a time of it, haven't you? MIL and FIL are truly "special" and don't even know it.

But, can I suggest that you reconsider completely cutting them off from the grandkids? Can you maybe decide to think about it in about a month, when hopefully you have had some sleep and some time to reflect and they have had some time to simmer down?

I grew up not really knowing my grandparents, more from physical distance, than conflict, and I'm feeling it acutely now. I really want my son to have that connection with his grandparents, especially because I couldn't.

I completely understand where you are coming from, but it seems like part of this decision is being made from a knee-jerk position. And, I'd hate for this to get institutionalized before everyone can talk about it and stop it, if stopping is an option.

[fiddle1]

As I read my eyebrows were in a constant "arched" state. Your first commenter hit the nail on the head. I'm so sorry this happened, and I know it feels huge right now. but I do have hope that it will all normalize at some point in the future. They will have to see the errors of their ways. To stay anywhere for 2 weeks is unheard of, and to do it when a hormonal woman is post partum is the weirdest, most absurd thing ever. Fish starts to smell after three days. Absolutely, if you have any more houseguests from any side of your family, Mister should ask them to do all the mundane chores while you spend time resting and caring for the baby. And they should handle all of Brother's stuff too. Unless, at some point, you get tired of doing that and want to do something else. But any of your free time should NOT be spent doing housework or the like. Is every dish in the sink? Just wash what you need before using it. Or ask your friends and neighbors to do them. I have no idea how anyone (Misters' parents) could be so thick. And, if you think it's easier to just do it yourself, think again. It is much easier to sleep. Sleep. I hope they read this and realize their expectations of you and your attitude were unrealistic. Of course a new, post-partum, hormonal mom is going to cry and worry about her toddler only weeks after her daughter is born. Of COURSE he is going to act worse than ever because he has a new sister and all these people in his house interrupting his routine. Not that your concerns are not valid, R. But you have every right to cry every day and become worried an anxious over everything (until about 1 month goes by, and then it's time to think about talking to the doc). And even if everyone else thinks you are unreasonable, NO ONE EVER HAS THE RIGHT TO CURSE AT YOU (unless you were cursing at someone else, which you were most certainly not). Hugs, Hugs, Hugs.

[Almamay]

Wow, I'm so upset for you. I can't offer any advice because both our parents are dead so we haven't any interference from them.

How shameful of this man to behave this way to any woman let alone his daughter-in-law after giving birth. Shame, shame on him.

Not that my opinion matters but I think withholding visiting with the grandkids is the only way it will focus their mind on an apology.

Massive hug to you.

[Almamay]

p.s. I still think the "baptisim" incident was completely unforgivable. COMPLETELY.