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July 09, 2011



For the Squeaker's birth mother, do you need to tell her that you're pregnant? Could you just say that the two of you are going to become parents to a second child, and then maybe mention that you're happy that Squeaker will have a sibling of "x" ethnic background (which will make clear that it's not a bio child for you). I'm not sure that she'll even be that troubled that you are pregnant, actually. It's interesting--I don't see adopting and adopting an embryo as all that different. I know you do, but my point is that she might not.

As for your boss, you don't owe him the information that's in #3. From my last job, I totally get how complicated your work situation is. But, I'm sure you take far better care of your company than they take of you. In this instance, you need to take care of you first. You've given them a lot--it's time for them to give back, even if they have to do it kicking and screaming. There are so many lawyers out of work right now--they may even find someone who adequately cover you that you aren't completely under water when you get back. And it is indeed HR's job to find your replacement. When your boss asks you to help find your sub, politely say that you wan to devote your energies to staying on top of your workload until you go out, and ensuring that you minimize the impact on the company.

Good luck!


it can be so tricky with the birth family. but you don't know how she will react. you also have to decide how much you want to share. I think you can be selective, if that's more comfortable, for now. you can see if shows interest, asks questions, wants more info.

I think the important thing to convey is that squeaker will always be your baby too, your first child, and that you couldn't possibly love him any more. did she know you wanted 2 kids? you could say that too. I don't know how sophisticated her understanding of ART is, but it may also be good to convey that this baby would look more like squeaker than you two, which was important to you. and that you are thrilled to be able to give him a sibling.

we've been dealing with our own announcements and reactions, which I haven't really been able to write about. I think a subsequent pregnancy raises natural questions, but hopefully with some assurances she will welcome a sibling for squeaker.

as for your employer, I totally agree with the advice from Queenie above. you don't owe them the details. you owe them notice. you've got to take care of yourself and soon it will be time for them to take care of you too. it's not like they really did last time, anyway. they totally owe you. the circumstances are different with a pregnancy (though I believe you were entitled to full family/bonding leave before too). and you know what? it can't be your problem.


I agree, you don't owe your employer the details of how you make your babies...at all. You are having a baby, you are entitled to take maternity leave without losing your job...and while in our reality-based universe, this is a difficult and fraught thing for everyone (employer and employee both), it doesn't need to involve any sort of diagrams of bio baby vs. non-bio baby. You're having a baby, which is awesome and amazing and remarkably great! Yay! S's birth mom will probably feel a tiny bit unsettled because you're having a new baby...but so many adoptive families now have/adopt more than one baby, it is part of the process. Tell her that Squeaker is your family's first kid, always and forever, and that he will be a great big brother. Always and forever families don't care how they are assembled (stork, clinic, adoption, who cares?). You guys are great parents, and there is no difference between how you will raise Squeaker and how you will raise his new brother or sister (except this time you'll be ready for the sleep deprivation, hollow laugh).

Though I must confess, I never got the big distinction between adoption and birthing, anyway. When J wakes in the night, it's me and Daddy that he wants, we heard his first words, we clean his freaking adorable behind a zillion times a day, we saw his first smile, we heard him laugh when he ran through the water sprayer at the park...it's the raising, not the stretch marks or the gene pool that makes J our kid. So reassure Squeaker's birth mom, all your kids (no matter where and how they came to your family) are YOUR babies, equally loved and cherished. They're lucky to have you and the Mister, and you are lucky to have them. So don't think too much about the different ways you got them...and nobody else will either. Except stupid people, who are an unstoppable force in the universe...and who cares about them? Nobody we know.

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