In the dark of winter

Lots of loss in the past few months.

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A friend lost her much-wanted third child about 6 months into her pregnancy.

Another friend ended a much-wanted pregnancy at almost 15 weeks.

Both babies had very bad congenital defects that couldn't be fixed.

Empty wombs plus pregnancy hormones equals emotional disaster. I grieve deeply for both of these women. They're being so strong, but I know they're hurting. And the fucked-up thing is, the pain doesn't really ever go away. You learn to live with it, but it's still there, lurking on dark nights when you're particularly vulnerable.

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Last night, we learned that a family friend -- someone who would have been my stepsister if my dad had the sense to stay with her mother -- ended her life. She was in her early 40s and had struggled with mental illness. Damn these genetic problems to hell !!! She was beautiful, earthy, and a talented fashion designer. In high school, she made me a dress that I adored. She would have been a fascinating old woman. It's been years since I saw her, but I miss her nonetheless.

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A friend lost her much-beloved brother-in-law. She said that her sister and he had the Perfect Marriage -- the one that she'd set as the ideal, the one to aim for. They had 30 years together, but it was nowhere near enough.

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A family member lost her father. Her siblings are already fighting over his things.

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My dad had a blood clot in his leg at Thanksgiving. They caught it in time.

One loss averted.

A reason to celebrate. Of course I haven't seen him in years, and his mental illness has caused a vast distance in his relationships that is quite a bit like death already. Regardless, it's nice knowing he's still out there.

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And, oh, by the way, it's the holidays! I have an almost-2-year-old who still doesn't sleep (although we're working on that -- more in another post), December is the busiest time of year at work, all of our once-a-year bills at home are coming due all at once, the car needed to be serviced, my hair needs to be colored, the Mister has broken yet another tooth so we're scheduling in emergency dentist appointments, Squeaker's doctor appointments, there's last-minute holiday shopping to do, cards to mail out ...

So if you're a real-life friend and I'm not returning your calls, don't take it personally! The waves are hitting on a daily basis. I'm just surfing as fast as I can.

Comments

[fiddle1]

So sorry to hear all of this. What a tidal wave of loss. I hurt for your friends who lost their pregnancies. How are you feeling? Have you had your transfer?