A few weeks ago, we drove 6 hours to a small resort town to have a family "vacation" weekend. It was me, the Mister, Squeaker, the Dog, and my mom joined us too. Of course, given the state of our toddler-centric world these days, it wasn't a very, er, relaxing vacation. And yes, I did say it was a 6-hour drive. Squeaker hated that part. But at least it was a lovely change of scene, and Squeaker had lots of time to play with his Nana, which is one of his all-time favorite activities.
We ran into a family we know through our adoption agency. We recognized the little girl first -- she's a stunningly gorgeous child of Central American heritage. Her moms are very hip older women and we had a nice time catching up. They seemed curious about why we were in town at that particular time. It wasn't until we realized the local gay pride parade was that weekend that we understood their confusion!
The parade was a blast. Six-foot-tall drag queens in satin and boas! Dykes on bikes! (their banner said so) Families with children! People of all shapes and sizes and colors! Squeaker was totally rocking out to Y-M-C-A and We Are Family. He particularly enjoyed all the rainbows and balloons. (The signs on this float had statistics about the very sobering teen suicide rate in gay youth. Here's hoping that efforts like this make a lasting difference.)
We ate at fun restaurants, and had to leave a few of them because Squeaker has developed a bizarre phobia about flies -- "Fly! Fly! EEEEEEEEeeee!!!!" You'd think someone was stabbing him with forks ...
And we were subjected to an incredibly ridiculous Did He Just Really Say That? conversation with a Strange Older Man on the street:
SOM: "Um, is that your boy?"
Us: (Proudly)" Yes, he is."
SOM: "So ... what did you do ... adopt him or something?"
Us: (Eyes narrowed) "Yes ..."
SOM: "So where's he from? Africa?"
Us: (Trying to walk away) "No, he's local."
SOM: "Oh. Really?"
He continues to stand and stare at Squeaker.
Long pause.
SOM: "Well, that's sure ... well, it's ... um ... an interesting way to do things!"
You could tell the guy did not approve of the situation and really wanted to interrogate us about why we adopted a black child. But as he got deeper into the conversation, he couldn't seem to find a polite way to be that rude.
We laughed at him after he finally walked away, but we were also furious. And we started talking about the need to come up with ways of stopping these conversations -- the obviously rude ones, as opposed to the honestly curious -- at an earlier stage in the process, and the need to be prepared with snappy rejoinders that make the person realize how inappropriate they are. Most of all, we're going to need a way to protect Squeaker from having the stupid person's words have a negative affect on him.
I'm particularly enamored of this off-the-cuff idea of the Mister's -- when Squeaker gets older and someone asks us if he's from Africa, we'll continue to say "no, he's local" but we'll teach him to respond "What?! Mom! Dad! You always told me I was from Sweden!!"
That should stop them in their tracks, don't you think?
Honestly, I love "No, he's local" That just cracked me up!
You could teach him to say "my family grew up in the south. amazing what turns up?"
WTF-- people are just weird.
Posted by: Connie | October 19, 2010 at 09:35 PM
ugh, 6 hrs in the car with an active toddler. yikes.
amazing how rude and ignorant people can be. I like your response. it's hard finding a balance on what to say (or not). I think it's important to re-phrase the question in a more appropriate way that would apply to ANY child (e.g., do you mean where was he born?) and then feel free to refuse to answer. not sure why people think babies -- especially ones that look different -- are fair game for interrogation.
Posted by: luna | October 20, 2010 at 09:21 AM
When people ask her inappropriate or just plain rude/intrusive/stupid questions she simply looks them in the eye and says, "I find it curious that you would ask me a question like that." It really covers the gamut of responses from "Who the Eff are you and how can you possibly think that information is any of your business?" to "Holy Crap, are you ever stupid!". I find it works wonders to shut idiots up!
Posted by: Auntie K | October 20, 2010 at 10:32 AM
Whoops, I meant to say When people ask My Sister inappropriate questions...
Posted by: Auntie K | October 20, 2010 at 10:33 AM
I love your blog!
Husband and I just started looking for an independent adoption and we are multicultural and want to adopt a multiracial baby. Can't wait for all the comments to come....
I better toughen up and come up with some good answers.
Posted by: Cecilia | October 22, 2010 at 08:31 AM
Ugh. I hate these encounters. My son was adopted from Guatemala and has been home 2.5 years and my uncle recently said "I can't believe how well he speaks English." WHAT?!?! It's really hard to always be prepared for these comments because they always seem to come at the most unexpected times.
Posted by: Steph | October 23, 2010 at 05:17 PM
HAHA, I love the idea of an answer to stop them in their tracks. A lot of people in the adoption community frown on that type of thing, because they feel it's important to "educate" people. Whatever. Our home is about laughter, and that's what we are comfortable with. I am white, my husband is black, and our daughter is from China. When I am out with her and people are bold enough to stare and then ask if her Father is asian, I love to calmly reply " Oh definitely not, he's black", and then walk off....
Posted by: lizzie | October 24, 2010 at 08:01 PM
I love the idea of using humor in those awkward situations. Not that it's your job to do so, but maybe, just maybe, some stranger's interaction with you will help open their minds just a teeny bit if they meet with humor instead of hostility when confronted with a situation that they hadn't considered before. On another note, Peter is phobic about flies now too! ???
Posted by: ekosina | October 26, 2010 at 04:17 PM