Contemplating parenthood in many forms

I had a dream the other night about Squeaker's birthmom. I dreamed that I snuck into her house (where I've never been) and listened to her conversations. When she found out I was there, she was okay with it, but lectured me about honesty for awhile. Eventually she morphed into my lovely new friend who happens to be a white woman, and the dream went in an entirely new direction. I'm not sure what it all means, but found it incredibly fascinating that my son's first mom is showing up in my dreams. I do think about her every day, wonder how she's doing, mourn for what she's missing in this amazing boy, hope that we get to visit her soon ... I'm also late in sending her our monthly batch of photos, and the guilt weighs on me.

My lovely new friend I mentioned above just became a mom through open adoption too -- so exciting! They met their son's birthmom a month before her due date, but the baby decided to show up 3 weeks early, so they effectively had 1 week's notice. Eek! As soon as I heard, I offered to drop off baby stuff and clothing, because we have TONS and I haven't had the time or inclination to get rid of any of it. She quickly said yes, so I played hooky from work one afternoon and visited them for awhile. It was so sweet holding her little guy -- he was 2 weeks old and in a slightly cranky mood, but so quiet and fragile compared to our rambunctious toddler! It's hard to believe Squeaker was that small, actually smaller, just a little more than a year ago. Time flies like the wind, particularly when you're as sleep-deprived as we've been.

And yet, we continue to pursue the idea of another child. We sent a letter of introduction to a family who may want to donate their frozen embryos. It's such a delicate situation, it's hard to find the right words to approach them. The Mister took on the wordsmithing task, and did a great job. We sent the note by email last weekend and haven't heard from them yet. They seem like a great fit, for a variety of reasons -- similar education and interests, and a great approach to life. They have twins from this batch of embryos, and they're willing to have an open relationship so that their children will know their genetic siblings, which is something we really want. They are a different nationality than we are, and I can imagine that they may be pondering whether or not they want to place their embryos in a culture that is different from their own. Or, they may have decided not to donate their embryos after all, or we could be the wrong fit for other reasons. It's like asking someone you've never met out for a date ... except that this is so much more fraught with life-long consequences. Scary and unreal. But worth taking a chance.

I know that we can always climb back into the adoption pool, and we're totally open to that. Our main problem right now, as far as adoption goes, is financial. We just can't afford it, yet we make too much money to qualify for the various forms of adoption assistance. It's primarily because we bought this house, which I'm not sorry about at all -- we needed the space and probably would have killed each other by now if we'd stayed in our little apartment -- but the payments are squeezing us a bit, and the Mister's freelance work has been sketchy for the past six months or so. Oh, and of course my enormous student loan payments don't help, and there are some lingering tax issues ... Things are starting to turn around in the freelance world, but in the meantime, we're doing a lot of creative belt-tightening, as I'm sure many of you are too.

Bottom line: we aren't destitute, but we also don't have enough of a cushion that we can afford another adoption, and I'm not willing to go into debt any more than we already are. So we send our delicately-worded hopeful letters out into the world, humbly offering ourselves as prospective parents and hoping that we find a couple with hearts the size of Texas who are willing to go with us on this unusual incredible journey. I'll keep you posted.

Comments

[SassyCupcakes]

I hear you about the money situation. It's not nice when you're feeling the squeeze. I wish you all the best whether it be with this family, or another one who matches you beautifully.

[Rebekah]

Money, or the lack thereof - it's exhausting. At almost 38, I don't know if I will be able to get pregnant when we're finally ready to go for it (this year I hope). If I can't get pregnant, how can we ever afford adoption or infertility treatment?? How come I didn't have my act together when I was younger and it would have, presumably, been easier to become pregnant? We have a tiny house with a mortgage we can afford but we're still paying off credit cards and have deferred my student loans for so long that I feel nauseated when I think about them actually coming due. Student loans to become a COUNSELOR, no less - there's a money-making field. And my husband is an historian - another lucrative field. A couple of geniuses, we are. Maybe we shouldn't procreate.