Am I Crazy?

I'm seriously thinking about embryo adoption.

Adopting an embryo, of course, is a bit of a legal misnomer, since, for the most part, embryos aren't recognized as "people" under the law. So how can you adopt a non-person?  As a lawyer, I recognize that if embryos are something you can adopt, then it could be a slippery slope to a time where fertility specialists are not allowed to dispose of extra embryos (for science or otherwise), even if the people who were responsible for creating the embryos (i.e., the embryos' genetic parents) specifically want the embryos to be disposed of in a certain manner. Bioethics is a freaky topic, fraught with "what ifs" and extreme examples. And of course, if embryos are recognized as people, the ultimate extreme result is abortions could be completely illegal on the basis that killing embryos is murder. Now, I know that there are plenty of folks out there who already believe that this is true, and who would be happy with that result. But I'm about as pro-choice as they come, and firmly believe that abortions should be safe, accessible, without restrictions, and rare. So, legally and ethically, for me, the phrase "embryo adoption" is treacherous. Confusing matters even more, many states don't recognize embryo adoption as a legal construct, so to adopt an embryo in one of those states is to go into a realm where there simply is no law, no settled cases. It's risk-taking at its finest.

The other option is to partake in embryo donation (although, if you're the recipient, "donation" doesn't seem like the right word at all). In this situation, the embryos are treated by all parties like property -- everyone signs a contract -- the donor agrees to give up their property forever, and the recipient agrees to accept the property and all responsibility for the property. Like buying a used car. As a mother who has been through IF, I cringe at this. Every one of you reading this who is or has been trying and trying and trying to get pregnant understands what I mean. Embryos are the most precious and treasured little blobs of ectoplasm we can imagine. Treating them like a piece of property -- even though it may make sense legally -- seems, I dunno, creepy. Icky. Unsavory. Just plain wrong. From a bioethical standpoint, this is too close to buying and selling body parts for my taste. Others may disagree.

When embryos are "adopted", the genetic parents often are directly involved with the selection of the recipient. The donor(s) and the recipient(s) all go through the adoption process as if the embryos were children. The recipient(s) go through a home study process, the donor(s) sign papers relinquishing all parental rights, papers are filed with the court, and of course lawyers are involved. Pesky lawyers. The "adoption" can be as open or as closed as everyone wants it to be. Some families agree to send photos or meet on major holidays. Some just wish each other the best of luck and move on their way. Some families agree to more frequent contact. At the very least, the recipient family usually has the medical and often the contact information for the donor family, allowing them to have contact in case of medical questions down the road, or, if the children resulting from the donation ever want to contact their genetic parents. It's that last part that I am sure makes some people feel terrified (oh my god! what if they want the baby back?!). But as an adoptive mother who specifically chose open adoption, this way of looking at embryo donation really makes sense to me. Why wouldn't I want my child to be able to look up his/her genetic family? And, from a legal point of view, it's going to be a lot harder for someone to demand a baby back when they've signed adoption papers relinquishing all parental rights to the children before they're even born. I can easily imagine a judge sending a child back to its genetic parents when the embryo donation process involved a contract for property. So I'm liking both the term and the process of "adopting" embryos, if they are to be transferred at all. And I can't help but acknowledge the generosity of spirit of someone who wants to donate their own genetic possible-children to other want-to-be-parents. I'm not sure I could have done it. So I know that I would always feel overwhelming thanks and gratitude to a donor embryo-child's genetic parents, just as I do towards the first mom of our little Squeaker.

But why would I even think about this? Why don't we "just" adopt another child? What about kids in foster care? What about all those kids in Haiti? And why the hell would I want to go through pregnancy at the ripe old age of almost 45? Have I lost my mind?

Um, yeah. Well, I've gone on and on before about the ease of "just" adopting. And the Mister and I have already identified ourselves as not being up to the challenge of raising kids who have been put through the foster care system. Blessings on those parents who have those skills. It's just not us. The kids in Haiti, the ones who may have been orphaned by the quake (as opposed to those who were already identified as orphans before the disaster) are going to need to stay in Haiti to make sure they don't actually have living family members. That is utterly essential, even if it means that kids who might truly be orphans might need to stay in an orphanage longer. It may be years before they can leave. And the line of waiting parents is already long, and I don't want to wait that long. Nor do we have the money to afford an international adoption.

So besides the hassle and expense, why not adopt domestically again? Well, even if we could afford it (which is very questionable, given the fact that the Mister is a freelance writer and the state of the economy), I really want Squeaker to have a sibling who is not white, so that he is not outnumbered in the family. And there just aren't that many non-white babies available for adoption in our state. Yes, we could go out of state, and it is something we're still exploring. But if we adopted embryos of another race, we would (perhaps) be able to have a little bit more control over how our family turns out -- pause to note that I really hate it when people manipulate their families to be one boy and one girl or only blond children, or anything else that smacks of elitism, so I feel like I'm in danger of being one of "those folks" in reverse here -- with the added bonus that I would get to experience a full pregnancy.

Which is really what this all boils down to. I'm not ready to wave goodbye to my child-bearing years yet. It's that simple. And I feel so strongly about it that it's been affecting our marriage. The chances of me getting pregnant on my own are less than 1% -- for reasons both medical and practical. Even if I got pregnant, there's a 50% chance we'd lose the pregnancy if it involved my elderly eggs. We don't want to try donor eggs, although we considered it before, because we've seen too many people spend $30K and not achieve a pregnancy. We don't have that kind of money to risk. And we're already committed to having children who don't look a thing like us, so there's really no need to involve the Mister's gametes in the process either. The more I think about it, the more embryo donation makes good sense to me.

Now, has anyone out there been through this process or know someone who has? And, perhaps more importantly, do y'all think I'm insane?

Comments

[Rachel]

First of all, I think it's great that you're planning to give Squeaker a sibling, and also that you're up for trying a DE pregnancy.

That said, I've been thinking about your post for a bit and I guess that I do think that attempting to 'adopt' a non-white embryo is both going to be a bit of a challenge and also perhaps introduce new issues into your family. My guess is that any fertility clinic, and also donor family if it is an 'open adoption,' are going to be highly skeptical of your request for a non-white baby, any race. And while I definitely understand wanting Squeaker to have a sibling who will share his experiences, including his racial ones, I think that you run the risk of putting Future Baby (FB) into an even more awkward position. While adoption is well-understand and it is fairly easy to explain to Squeaker why his birth parents couldn't raise him, I think that FB would face even more questions and for the first 5, 10, 15 years of his life that might be really hard to answer. Even well-intentioned friends/teachers/parents of friends might ask about his 'birth mother' and he'd have to explain that he was adopted/but only sort-of because -you- gave birth to him, etc. I just think you may be placing your future child in an even more uncomfortable situation than a simple adoption or same-race embryo adoption (in which case it would be his choice when and where to reveal that his biological parents are different than his birth parents). Even more so as Squeaker and FB get older and they start to ask questions about abortion, and especially if you land up with an open adoption with a family who chose to donate their embryos because of a strong pro-life belief which you do not share, the questions are a lot for a child to face, whereas explaining that someone was adopted as a baby is far easier to convey.

I do think that fertility treatments raise so many race questions. When we were planning to do IVF, we were seriously considering a shared cycle with a (gay) Ashkenazi man, meaning that his children (with my eggs) would have blended into our family photos whereas my children (with my non-white husband) obviously stand out. We decided that wasn't an issue for us, but I did worry that if our egg donation was 'too open' it would become an issue for my family because they would have an easier time bonding with babies who looked like the rest of the family. Which is just to say that these issues are complicated and obviously you need to decide what will work for you and Squeaker.

[Rebeccah]

Rachel, I love that you shared these thoughts ... and I've pretty much had them all. Yes, the complexity is kind of mind-boggling. Yes, there would be issues to deal with in our family. And, most importantly, yes, it would be a challenge to explain the process/how/why to FB.

As for the fertility clinic being skeptical about the request, there are agencies that represent mixed-race donors who represent (on the website at least) that the race of the recipient doesn't matter. Which is not to say that they might not be uncomfortable once faced with a real situation like this.

The one point that you raise that I hadn't considered is the likely conflict between pro-life views of a donating family vs. my personal beliefs. Will need to think more about that.

Obviously, FB's issues should be my primary concern (as opposed to my own selfish wish to experience pregnancy) ... I get how it would be complicated. But then I've never met a mixed family that wasn't complicated somehow.

I'm glad you were so detailed in your response. Hope others feel free to do the same. Obviously, this is nowhere near a firm decision and I'm looking for feedback from a community I trust with these difficult concepts.

[Rebekah]

I have no personal experience of my own (as a parent) to contribute to this but I do have an adopted brother who is not white and as he has gotten older (he is almost 12 now - my mom was 50 when she adopted him) I know he is aware that he doesn't look like the rest of us. I have another adopted brother as well but he too is white. My mom recently remarried and her new husband has an adopted child, also not white though not the same race and culture as my brother. In any case, I wonder if it feels a little better for each of these kids to no longer be the only one who looks "different" in the sea of whiteness that is our family.

When I look at these kids I don't see their race or color, I just see two really good-looking kids, but that is because I know them. I do notice it when I look at other families that I don't know and it is nothing more than curiosity but I wonder - is he adopted? is one of the parents a different color? It doesn't matter to me, I just do that thing that maybe we all do where we have the need to categorize (...or maybe it's just me?). Also, I think it is all well and good for me to say "I don't notice" when it comes to the color of my brother's skin, but he notices and how has that felt for him all these years to have no one who mirrors his image?

I would hope that adoption agencies would be sensitive to this kind of thing in terms of a parent trying to be sensitive to their child's potential future experiences though I can see too how it could be misused by people who only want blond haired/blue eyed babies or some other notion of the latest "cool babies" (a la Madonna, Brangelina, etc.).

I wish your family the best in coming to a place that feels good and right for all of you and as for the rest who are curious (myself included) or judgmental or holier than thou - eff 'em.

[niobe]

I'm just starting the process myself -- from the other side -- I want to donate our "leftover" embyros to someone.

I'm sure you already know about http://www.miracleswaiting.org/ , a clearing house for potential embryo donors/recipients. I think it costs something like $150 for potential recipients to sign up.

Anyway -- I think it's a wonderful idea.