I'll have a baby in one hand, Blackberry in the other ...

This waiting process is going to be  ... odd. Strangely, the thing that has been producing the most anxiety for me hasn't been the concept of adopting a baby or being ready for a baby. Nope, it's still "how the hell am I going to deal with my work situation when the baby shows up?" I am the only staff attorney at a mid-sized nonprofit organization in a contract-heavy industry. I have a very competent paralegal who helps me keep things flowing, but she's not an attorney and can't replace me completely. I've never been away from my office for more than 6 days in a row, and when I have been gone that long, it takes me a month to get things back under control (not caught up -- just under control). So the idea of taking any parental leave longer than a week has been causing me to lose sleep.

I spoke with my boss last week. His response was kind of vague, but it comes down to something like this: "Parenthood is wonderful, but I'm kind of shocked that you are adopting, and I'm also annoyed because it's going to cause me trouble. The economy sucks. We can't hire someone to replace you while you're gone -- not even on a temporary basis. We'll just have to deal with it. And by the way, please stop asking for another lawyer for your staff. If you would just stop finding so much work to do, you wouldn't need help."

Okay, he didn't actually say all of those exact words, but this was the message I received from the words that were said. Where to begin ...

This is the first time in my life that I've been nudged towards not working up to my full potential, and it really disturbs me. I guess he's trying to tell me to concentrate on the big legal issues and let the small stuff slide. But I'm just not the kind of person who can do a job halfway. It goes against my nature, and what the hell kind of attorney would I be if I ignored obvious legal issues?

I understand his fiscal concerns -- god knows nonprofits are going to suffer in this economy. I also get his concern about bringing a temporary lawyer in to train with me now. That's a lot of cost to incur when we don't know how long the temp will need to be in "training" mode before a child is placed with us and the temp becomes me for awhile. If I had a date certain (e.g., if I were giving birth), I suspect that he might be more willing to bring someone in. But because I have no control over my leave date, it's my fault and I'm shit out of luck.

I can either let this stress me out (as it has been doing) or I can get all zen with it. I can decide that he's the boss, whatever happens eventually will land in his lap, and life will continue. I've given him as much warning as I can and suggested several solutions that I thought would work. He decided not to pursue those options. No use fighting what can't be changed.

Except that I know that all of the work will just pile up while I'm gone. I know that no one is indispensable -- it really isn't an ego thing with me, despite my control freak tendencies. If I were just leaving for good, I wouldn't worry about it. But I'm going to be coming back to this job, and I know that they will expect me to manage the same workload, regardless of whether or not I'm on leave or working part-time. I know that they will email me and call me when I'm out of the office, and I know that I will be tempted to help them, despite the fact that I will be sleep-deprived and overwhelmed by the new member of our household, because if I help them immediately, it will keep little issues from turning into big problems later.

All of this is made more irksome by the fact that my leave will be unpaid FMLA leave, not paid maternity leave. My current plan is to take 2 weeks off full-time and then work half-time for the next 3 months or so. The fact that they won't hire someone to fill in for me means that I won't really be getting parental leave at all. I'll be working from home and getting paid nothing for 2 weeks while working more than zero hours and then getting paid for part-time work when really I'll be working more than part-time. They're going to make me juggle my full-time workload and my baby while I'm on leave -- I can see it already, clear as day. And yes, I know it's up to me to control this, to say no and to draw all sorts of boundaries, but goddamnit I'm so fucking pissed off that they're putting me in the position where I have to even think about this. I should just be able to take leave and not have to worry about work.

So that's where my head is today.

Tomorrow we're going to drive 2 hours to visit a friend who gave birth the night before Thanksgiving. It's been years since I've seen a 3-day-old baby. We went to a hip baby store today to pick up a toy truck for the baby's startled 2-year-old brother and some incredibly soft handmade cotton-and-fleece burp rags for the baby and her mom. Seriously, you should feel these things! I wish I were a baby so I could put my little face on them while somebody burped me.

Oh, and we bought a car seat last week. It's in a box in the closet. I suppose we should make sure it fits in our car and that we know how to install it, but it was a pretty big step just walking out of the store with the box.

Comments

[luna]

you're right -- it sucks that you're in this position and you should be able to just take leave and not worry about it. sounds like you're well aware of all of the issues -- and how messed up it is that they would expect you to work while on leave and not respect your boundaries. at the same time you know it's your responsibility to set and defend those limits -- whether it's a few weeks off or working half time.

I have a similar situation though I don't practice anymore -- no one to cover and the work will pile up or grind to a halt while I'm away. except I plan to take a lot longer than 2 wks, and I can't plan when.

I think if you want to go back, you'll need the zen approach. continue to inform them as best you can and let it go. set your limits and honor them. do what you can when you get back. life will go on if you disappear for a little while. I know you think you're doing yourself a favor because the work piles up. but how many chances do you get to be a new mom?

[Aegina]

You're right -- that totally sucks. It just feels discriminatory and illegal and awful (from my naive, sheltered and indignant point of view.) Anyone you'd like me to beat up for you? ;-)

On the other hand -- wow, a car seat! Is it starting to feel real?

Sending you good wishes and love.

[Almamay]

Your boss sounds like he is using the typical man approach. You sound very similar to me in that you don't like to do a job half-a**ed. But he's the boss and if he is happy with that then try not to stress yourself. I've been using this approach at work now and it is easier and I'm much happier at work and at home.

Exciting news about the car seat.

x

[Queenie]

I don't know whether you practice in a state that does the fancy-schmancy online CLE programs, or whether your jurisdiction will approve credit for this program (mine did), but I have been where you are, and this one got me thinking about things a little differently (it's about work-life balance):

http://www.legalspan.com/nhbar/catalog.asp?UGUID=&CategoryID=20020813147985140459&ItemID=20070309-208146-91303

[Me]

I own a small business with my father. I totally understand what you're saying. Not because no one will LET me have leave but just because it's practically impossible that I would actually be able to take it. It's something I started worrying about ... 38 months ago ... honestly, I had all but forgotten until I read this post. It is scary shit.