From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

You are the best group of blog readers/commenters ever!!! I feel so much better now that I've spilled my work guts and you've helped me figure out how to clean them off the floor ...

BrooklynGirl:
God, that sucks.

Yes, it do indeed. My thoughts exactly. Thank you for letting me know I'm not crazy.

Almamay:
You sound very similar to me in that you don't like to do a job half-a**ed. But he's the boss and if he is happy with that then try not to stress yourself.

Really good advice, although easier said than done. I'll have to work on letting go.

luna:
I know you think you're doing yourself a favor because the work piles up. but how many chances do you get to be a new mom?

You're right, you're right, I know you're absolutely right. Thank you. I need to be reminded. It gets so lonely being the only one in my office who gives a shit about ... well, me and my work issues and my personal situation. (Okay, there is the woman who is going to be a single mom at 50, but she's got her own separate support group and she's not in management, so there's not as much pressure on her -- she'll just take her leave and that will be that.)

Queenie:
The thing I'm slowly learning is that I'm not as irreplaceable as I thought I was, and that the job matters to me more than I matter to it. Which is another way of saying, figure out what you personally want, and go for it. No one at the office is ever going to thank you for the sacrifices you're thinking of making.

This is now officially my new mantra: The job matters to me more than I matter to it. Wow. Yes. Wow. Everything got so much clearer when I read that. And you're right -- I am thinking of making sacrifices, and it's clear that no one appreciates that, so why do it?

Babychaser:
FMLA was designed to protect you from the kind of pressure he's putting on you. You're bringing a brand new baby into your life, and you need time to bond (and, at the risk of being too pushy, I think you need more than 2 weeks of dedicated time). And I know you know this, but these first weeks with your child are going to be so much more important than anything in the outside world.

Up until now, I've been thinking about how much time I can take off, but I've been thinking about it in terms of The Job and not in terms of what I need to do or what's best for my family. Why does it take another lawyer to explain FMLA to a lawyer in terms that actually sink in and make sense? I mean, I get this legally -- I explain it to our HR people, I know how to apply it to other people -- why do I somehow think that it doesn't apply to me? You're right. I need to take more time.

and

Is there any way you can put together some sort of "how to handle X" or "who to call when X happens" handbook while you're waiting?

Yes, there is. Great idea. I'll start on that tomorrow.

and

Because I'm thinking that a firm approach (in writing) might be your best bet. I would give him a letter telling him how things ARE going to be and what you think he should do to keep his org from going to hell while it happens ... Also, if things do go to hell while you're gone, you're on record as trying to warn them.

Oh yes. A CYA letter. Yes, definitely. Brilliant idea.

And to the people who have sent well-meant advice along the lines of "It's just a job! Don't be so stressed!" -- I have only this to say: It is not "just a job." This is my career. To pay for law school, I put myself $145K into debt, debt that I will be paying off for the next 20 years. To go to law school I quit a perfectly good (but boring) job, sold all of my personal belongings, and moved 3000 miles from everyone I knew. To keep my law jobs in the early years, I sacrificed my personal relationships and frequently my health. It was painful and lonely, but ultimately rewarding in other ways. I worked my ass off to get where I am. There are perhaps 30 people in this country that do exactly what I do. I'm proud of that, and it feeds a part of my soul that really needs the affirmation that I don't get anywhere else. It is not "just a job." I fucking sacrificed my fertile years for this career. So by telling me to "relax" and "don't stress" because it's "just a job," you're basically telling me that everything I've been slaving at for the past 11 years is pointless crap and that I should have just stayed at my perfectly good boring job and had lots of bio babies (while my eggs were still young) with men who were twice as boring as that job was. I know you mean well, but please, for the love of god, keep it to yourself. You are not helping.

The rest of you who get where I'm coming from and who provided your warmth and caring wisdom -- bless you! I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

Oh, and people? I held a 3-day-old baby for half an hour yesterday and didn't fall to pieces. In fact, when she yawned, it was quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen. (Today, I held a small snake. Not quite so cute, but it did require bravery of a different kind.)

Aegina:
On the other hand -- wow, a car seat! Is it starting to feel real?

Yes, in a surreal kind of way, it is.

Comments

[Almamay]

So true. It is much easier said than done. I've just been taken off a special project I was given because I was rather too successful on it. Not working on it is driving me crazy but I'm trying to work on something else.

Great mantra. I'm going to write it down and say it to myself when I am tempted to go back to my special project.

[Rachel]

I'm so glad you got such wonderful responses (in the mix, of course). I left your post yesterday open because I've been thinking a lot about these issues. I don't have nearly as stressful a job as you do, but I am committed to returning after 4 weeks and I have been really hoping that I'll be able to balance work (not nearly as many hours as a lawyer) with bonding with a baby. But of course I'm worried I'll just do both things poorly. I'm also in a situation where every minute that I take off post-birth is another minute I have to make up at some point because the end deadlines don't change so I find it infuriating when everyone tells me to take as much time as possible off at the beginning because I don't want to land up missing months 5 or 6 by working overtime. But the comments you highlighted make really good points about taking time at the beginning.

[luna]

I'm glad you got some very good advice. I know it's hard, but you absolutely should think about what YOU need, what your family needs, and demand to take it, whatever it is.

not sure if the internet ate my comment on the last post, ah well.

as a new lawyer, I was never able to take more than a week at a time and that was pushing it. then it just got harder and harder to take the time. eventually, it took getting pregnant after so much struggle for me to even think of taking a leave. but when things went bad, I was unexpectedly out. I couldn't even think about work. I was only out two weeks, but it was the only time in my career I just didn't care. it helped halfway through when my supe said don't worry. but it is our nature to worry. and I couldn't. my energy was directed elsewhere...

I guess what I'm saying in sharing this story is sometimes we have to take what we need when we need it. sometimes there's no planning for it. we sacrifice so much. you've worked hard, and life will go on without you. you deserve whatever it is you need.

[Jac]

I come to you by way of my SIL who is an IF blogger. I am an attorney five years in. I met my husband while I was in my senior year of HS and he was prepared for the fact that I was planning on going to law school. My wise (although uneducated) mom told me I could have both a career and a family. She didn't give me the rule book, though, she said I'd figure it out along the way. I work for a small firm, so not the benes of a large firm and not the $$ or the hours, but I like it. We are in a lot of respects like a family. We have experienced birth, death, marriage, and bar exams with each other! When I told the partners that I was pg, they might have perhaps been more excited than me. I STRESSED about the balance of the two - the time off - the lack of replacement - the hours - all the things you said went through my mind. I admire your dedication to the profession and your conflicted feelings. What I can tell you is this. . . you are right - its not just a job, its a career. I take that very seriously! You can be both - your child does not know about the SAHM v. working moms wars (yet!). He/she will know what you impart to them. I actually found a pretty good balance. I work p/t now - but still every day, just shorter hours. And yes my workload is the same (if not more sometimes) but I treasure my ability to leave so much that I work my tail off all day until the clock strikes 3:00~ My boss recently told me that he knows many women have a tendency to slack off during early motherhood - but that I had exceeded his expectations. As a result, he said I could keep the hours and that we could keep things this way. I stayed home for 3 mos. For me, a new mother with a career, that was more than enough. I was also "on-call" during leave. I was angry about it the first two weeks, then it was actually ME calling to check in when the baby was napping. I am better to my son because I work everyday. I became lazy at home and disoriented. When you aren't used to it, or programmed to do it, it can make you very scatter-brained. I needed work to restore structure to my world. I get 2 hours alone with my son every afternoon, after work and before his daddy comes home. They may be my favorite 2 hours of the day. Sometimes the blackberry buzzes and hums in my direction, but just wait. . .co-workers cannot stand to hear a baby babbling into the phone. The calls don't last long. LOL. You have a special chore ahead of you - to create your own rulebook on how to have a successful career and be the best mommy your child could ever hope for. You will establish that for yourself at some point. It WILL happen - and you will make it work. All of this anxiety now is just preparing you for the day when you hold your child in your arms and it all starts to fall into place!!

[JerseyGirl]

I just want to add along the lines of what Jac said -- you're going to have to get used to blurring the lines; you're way too conscientious a worker. Give in to them contacting you at home; power up the Blackberry and laptop, and make it work. You'll figure out when to ignore stuff and when to dig in. It is so much better, after all, to handle stuff from home than to have to go in, and once you've got a routine going, you may be able to carry on working from home a bit even after you are back full-time. That said, other stuff gives way, like a social life. But priorities are priorities.

[Fiddle1]

E-gads, I've been away too long! I am processing everything in your last three posts, and I can say that while I was not checking in, I'm so glad others (mostly) had the right words for you. And as another that loves her work and career, I understand where you are coming from. This last post sounds like you've successfully navigated through your feelings on this, and the other comments that may have pissed you off at least solidified and helped you verbalize all of your thoughts. Sounds like you now have a clear pathway on how to approach the situation, which is what I suspect you wished for all along! It always amazes me what the blog community can do for a person. Congrats on that car seat!!

[Sherry]

Oh R I wish I'd had a chance to get caught up before now! I'm sorry you're going through all of this - your boss, man he sounds like a treat!

I do really get what you say about it not being just a job - its part of your identity, and who you are. There are many who probably can't understand that kind of feeling.

In any case, I stopped by to say hang in there, and I hope you really do get to take the time you need, and on your own terms.

And most of all - I hope you get to take that time soon!!

[shinejil]

Damn, it sucks that your boss is putting you through this, on top of everything. May I just be indignant for a second: How dare he have any opinion, forget a negative one, about your path to adoption?!?

Sorry. Had to get that off my chest.

I like the letter idea, and the manual idea (if that won't be a lot of work that then gets stuck in a drawer somewhere while you get calls day and night). I know what you mean about this not just being some job where you punch your card, eat your sandwich, and then go home. I, too, have done all sorts of silly things for my passions, and can't stand it when someone says I should take a more nonchalant approach to my work. Why do it, for Pete's sake, if you have no intention of doing it well?

I hope all this gets worked out swiftly and as painlessly as possible, and that you're soon absorbed with a much more interesting challenge--welcoming home your new family member.

[Queenie]

I'm glad I could be of some assistance. It's only taken me two (ten?) really bad years of making sacrifices and banging my head against the wall and compromising my own personal life/family/ovaries to get to a position where I can see things this way, and provide said advice. But slowly, I'm learning. . .good luck to you. I'll be keeping an eye out to see how it all turns out for you (and since you'll likely get there before I do, I'll be looking for a good swift kick in the pants when I start to backslide and try to sneak into the office on days I should be with a babe, intead. . .)

[Wishing4One]

Um, sorry. I have not visited you in WAAAY TOO LONG. But so glad you got a car seat yeah! Whatever decision you make and go with will be the right one, it will be. You will be an awesome mommy...xoxoxoxo

[the Babychaser]

Yay! Mad props to me! :-)

Seriously, though, glad I could help. I never know when I go off on a rant like that if I'm getting too pushy or actually providing some good advice.

The most important thing is that this IS going to happen for you and you ARE going to make it work and isn't that insanely exciting??? I'm so far away from having a baby in my house right now it all seems like some detached fantasy, rather than something I'm actively working toward. For now, I live vicariously, and I'm thrilled at how close you are to the finish line (and thus the beginning of a new craziness).

[Meena]

Hi,
I work for scholastic's Parent and Child magazine.
You were entered into our Mommyblogger contest.
In case we need to contact you, could you send me your name and email address?
Thanks!