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August 19, 2008

Comments

Shinejil

I hate the notion that we ever "get over" the crap that life has dealt us. We don't. We just don't let it run our lives, that's all.

And when, as you so rightly noted, you're dealing with a whole new load of shit being dumped on you, shit totally unrelated to what happened several decades ago, all the old stuff is just irrelevent.

But you made it through. You did it!

Sara

You are absolutely right. Heck, it's difficult to find anyone these days who doesn't have SOME emotional baggage stored away somewhere (props to the Mister for not having anything significant, but plenty of people do). I don't think anyone should cast "penalty points" for you not having seen a therapist. I saw one during my divorce because I "thought I should," and all he told me after four weeks was that, although I had suffered emotional abuse during my marriage, I was in a much better place, had gotten myself together and had the support of a good friend who pretty much negated my need for more therapy (that friend turned out to be my future husband).

Therapy is wonderful for the people who want it and can be a huge help to those who embrace it. It is NOT for everyone. Nor is it always needed. Sometimes storing it away as you have done is all that is required. Just because someone has therapy does not mean that the memories of past pain will not cause pain, anger or tears days, months or years later.

Wow, where did THAT come from? :-) All I wanted to say was that I totally support your feelings on therapy. I'm sorry all of this has been such a struggle for you. When you do become a parent, your difficulties today will make you appreciate even the toughest moments you will have as a mom (because if you're a good parent, which I believe in my gut you will be, your emotional rollercoaster gets even more wild once you have a son or daughter). I've survived ovarian cancer and infertility, and every moment of those experiences (the good, the bad, and especially the ugly) has helped me so much as I've navigated the muddy waters of parenthood. I think you have a good perspective on things, even if your current experiences aren't the most pleasant.

Heather

Sometimes I think the world would be a better place if fertiles had to go through what we do to adopt.

You deserve a tasty cupcake for making it though.

Giantspeedbump

Hi there, I just came across your blog for the first time and wanted to say hello. We have similar profiles - we are also pursuing domestic adoption in Canada...and have a very cute dog!

I'm sorry about your recent loss.

Your post resonates loud and clear with me - been there, done that very recently. Except rather than be angry (well okay maybe a little) with my social worker for pushing the painful buttons I was rather fascinated by it. I was probably more than a little annoying - I was torn between answering her questions and asking her about why she asks certain questions and what she looks for in people's answers, etc.

In all fairness I think the social workers have tough jobs - they need to do a lot of reading between the lines and essentially, find those weak spots just to make sure we don't crack.

While I am one who embraces my therapist (er, I mean therapy) and sensed I was receiving brownie points from the social worker for doing so since my miscarriage, any time I began to show emotion during the interview she was all over it.

For example, I lost it the most when I was asked what I thought I would tell our child about his/her adoption someday. I Completely FELL APART. The social worker was so puzzled...but I (after composing myself) explained to her that it was the first time I'd even allowed myself to visualize that moment and that I was crying tears of joy mixed with the fear that I won't ever get there.

Anyway, I too thought I was smart enough to know whether I needed therapy and resisted the whole notion. But when my RE at my first clinic said he wouldn't do IVF #2 until I'd talked to somebody, I went reluctantly. Two years later I am a total convert. It has been a gift. Although I do agree with Sara that it is not for everyone, espically if your therapist is a dork.

If it's okay with you I would like to add you to my blogroll?


luna

ah, yes. it is so frustrating to be judged on our capacity to handle our emotional baggage. I can empathize. sorry it was so exhausting. hope the rest is smoother sailing ahead.

docgrumbles

Imagine if fertile couples had to go through such a process to gain permission to give birth. Sorry you had such a difficult experience.

the Babychaser

I'm really hoping that you weren't being "judged" on your decision not to seek therapy, or on your past baggage, but that the social worker was just trying to understand you well enough to write an accurate report. But that might not be the case--maybe she really was judging you. I don't know.

At least you only have to do this once. I know what you mean about being so raw that you can't handle issues from your past. I, too, have demons buried in the back of my closet. The kind that would make any therapist drool and clear their schedule for the next month for me. And I have no interest in seeking therapy. I just don't want to deal with that garbage any more.

But lately, when I've been at my most vulnerable, I find myself thinking about the past a lot. It's annoying.

I'm hoping this was the last time you'll have to strip yourself raw for a baby. But even if you have to do it again, you CAN handle it, and you WILL come out of this okay in the end.

Hang in there, honey. I'm rooting for you.

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