Would you like therapy with that?

Yesterday's solo interview with the adoption counselor was completely exhausting. She started out with some basic questions (have you ever been charged with child abuse? have you ever been addicted to drugs or alcohol?), but the bulk of the interview was spent slogging through the details of my teenage and early college years -- not exactly a happy time in my life, as those who know me well will understand. Questions that seem innocuous by themselves (Describe your relationship with your siblings. Describe your relationship with your parents. When did you graduate from college?) become excruciating when put in the context of those years.

Per her request, I had submitted my 4-page autobiography ahead of time, naively assuming that if I spilled the bad stuff in my written bio, we wouldn't need to go through it in person. Wrong!! It was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Without realizing it, I'd drawn her a roadmap of the most sensitive spots in my emotional landscape. She'd pick a topic that was clearly painful or difficult, give me that kind, understanding Helping Professions "look" and say "wow, that must have been difficult for you. Did you feel sad/scared/hurt/etc?" "What happened next?" Sometimes, she'd just settle for "so how do you feel about that?" Honestly? I feel like you're peeling my skin off with your fingernails, thanks for asking. (No, I didn't say that ... she's really quite nice and means well.)

Inevitably, she asked The Question. "Have you had a chance to talk with anyone about this?" (i.e., perhaps you should consider therapy?) Inside, my head was spinning around in circles and steam was coming out my ears, but since yelling at the adoption counselor is a bad idea, it just turned into more tears -- of frustration, not that she'd know that, of course. I tried to explain to her that the past is the past, that talking about it won't do me any good or change anything, and if I want to leave it untalked about, that's okay. "But you understand it's my job to look at stuff like this..." Yes, honey, I know. But do you really need to take it so damn seriously?! After going round and round with her on this for a few minutes, she finally decided that (a) I'm smart enough to know when to get counseling if I need it and (b) I clearly have the ability to compartmentalize my life so that this particular package of emotions lives in a little box on a dusty top shelf. I know it's there and if I want to take it down, I do, but there is little to no chance of it falling onto the fragile heads of my future children or their biological parents. (I almost added part (c) to this, which is "it's my box, dammit, and if I don't want to show it to company when they come to visit, I don't have to!", but I let it go.)

The Mister gets to go spill his guts on Wednesday. Since he had a picture-perfect childhood and seems to have no hidden demons whatsoever, I'm sure that they'll spend the whole time talking about whether or not to commit me to an asylum.

I realized this morning, that a lot of my emotions yesterday were pure emotional exhaustion. I.Have.Been.Through.Enough.Crap.This.Year. I do not need someone forcing me to go back and review all the other crap in my life. I have enough current fresh crap to deal with, thank you. Sorting through old moldy crap is so completely not necessary. And of course I know that the whole point is that I should be finished dealing with all my emotional crap before I get a helpless child to take responsibility for, but you know what? It doesn't happen that way in real life for fertiles -- plenty of them have kids while going through horrendous emotional stuff that is completely unresolved. So the unfairness of this whole situation -- which is incredibly unfair to begin with -- makes my frustration just that much worse.

Comments

[Shinejil]

I hate the notion that we ever "get over" the crap that life has dealt us. We don't. We just don't let it run our lives, that's all.

And when, as you so rightly noted, you're dealing with a whole new load of shit being dumped on you, shit totally unrelated to what happened several decades ago, all the old stuff is just irrelevent.

But you made it through. You did it!

[Sara]

You are absolutely right. Heck, it's difficult to find anyone these days who doesn't have SOME emotional baggage stored away somewhere (props to the Mister for not having anything significant, but plenty of people do). I don't think anyone should cast "penalty points" for you not having seen a therapist. I saw one during my divorce because I "thought I should," and all he told me after four weeks was that, although I had suffered emotional abuse during my marriage, I was in a much better place, had gotten myself together and had the support of a good friend who pretty much negated my need for more therapy (that friend turned out to be my future husband).

Therapy is wonderful for the people who want it and can be a huge help to those who embrace it. It is NOT for everyone. Nor is it always needed. Sometimes storing it away as you have done is all that is required. Just because someone has therapy does not mean that the memories of past pain will not cause pain, anger or tears days, months or years later.

Wow, where did THAT come from? :-) All I wanted to say was that I totally support your feelings on therapy. I'm sorry all of this has been such a struggle for you. When you do become a parent, your difficulties today will make you appreciate even the toughest moments you will have as a mom (because if you're a good parent, which I believe in my gut you will be, your emotional rollercoaster gets even more wild once you have a son or daughter). I've survived ovarian cancer and infertility, and every moment of those experiences (the good, the bad, and especially the ugly) has helped me so much as I've navigated the muddy waters of parenthood. I think you have a good perspective on things, even if your current experiences aren't the most pleasant.

[Heather]

Sometimes I think the world would be a better place if fertiles had to go through what we do to adopt.

You deserve a tasty cupcake for making it though.

[Giantspeedbump]

Hi there, I just came across your blog for the first time and wanted to say hello. We have similar profiles - we are also pursuing domestic adoption in Canada...and have a very cute dog!

I'm sorry about your recent loss.

Your post resonates loud and clear with me - been there, done that very recently. Except rather than be angry (well okay maybe a little) with my social worker for pushing the painful buttons I was rather fascinated by it. I was probably more than a little annoying - I was torn between answering her questions and asking her about why she asks certain questions and what she looks for in people's answers, etc.

In all fairness I think the social workers have tough jobs - they need to do a lot of reading between the lines and essentially, find those weak spots just to make sure we don't crack.

While I am one who embraces my therapist (er, I mean therapy) and sensed I was receiving brownie points from the social worker for doing so since my miscarriage, any time I began to show emotion during the interview she was all over it.

For example, I lost it the most when I was asked what I thought I would tell our child about his/her adoption someday. I Completely FELL APART. The social worker was so puzzled...but I (after composing myself) explained to her that it was the first time I'd even allowed myself to visualize that moment and that I was crying tears of joy mixed with the fear that I won't ever get there.

Anyway, I too thought I was smart enough to know whether I needed therapy and resisted the whole notion. But when my RE at my first clinic said he wouldn't do IVF #2 until I'd talked to somebody, I went reluctantly. Two years later I am a total convert. It has been a gift. Although I do agree with Sara that it is not for everyone, espically if your therapist is a dork.

If it's okay with you I would like to add you to my blogroll?

[luna]

ah, yes. it is so frustrating to be judged on our capacity to handle our emotional baggage. I can empathize. sorry it was so exhausting. hope the rest is smoother sailing ahead.

[docgrumbles]

Imagine if fertile couples had to go through such a process to gain permission to give birth. Sorry you had such a difficult experience.

[the Babychaser]

I'm really hoping that you weren't being "judged" on your decision not to seek therapy, or on your past baggage, but that the social worker was just trying to understand you well enough to write an accurate report. But that might not be the case--maybe she really was judging you. I don't know.

At least you only have to do this once. I know what you mean about being so raw that you can't handle issues from your past. I, too, have demons buried in the back of my closet. The kind that would make any therapist drool and clear their schedule for the next month for me. And I have no interest in seeking therapy. I just don't want to deal with that garbage any more.

But lately, when I've been at my most vulnerable, I find myself thinking about the past a lot. It's annoying.

I'm hoping this was the last time you'll have to strip yourself raw for a baby. But even if you have to do it again, you CAN handle it, and you WILL come out of this okay in the end.

Hang in there, honey. I'm rooting for you.