It's been a good week for some folks. The amazing Julie had a healthy boy, Calliope had a good ultrasound after her huge beta, and Sherry had a beta that her doctor described as "magnificent." All fabulous news, and I'm so excited for each of them!
News around here continues to be rocky. Yesterday's root canal turned into 3 large fillings instead when my dentist changed his mind, which was its own kind of nice miracle. But today has pretty much sucked. 8/8/08 is supposed to be an auspicious day, but not for me. I never did like eights.
My old OB emailed the results of my blood test -- negative for anemia (which leaves me wondering what to do about my continual exhaustion), but still positive for pregnancy. If it were a first or even second beta test, I'd be over the moon. 290! But now, over a month after Sammy left the building, the OB thinks it probably means that there is some remaining tissue, which is hard for me to believe, considering the amount of tissue I pulled out with my own two hands. I only stopped bleeding a few days ago, so perhaps it's just that I was very very pregnant and my body is taking time to accept the fact that I'm not anymore, but to be sure I'm going to have to have an ultrasound. Hopefully, it will show nothing and I won't need a D&C. The good news is that this will be an excellent excuse to meet my new OB, whom my old OB has promised will be much more to my liking.
The old OB is trying -- I have to hand it to her. After our last meeting, in which I verbalized most of my disappointment, anger, etc., I wrote her one final email. That email is now part of my health record, so the new OB will have access to it as well. It basically said: "We consigned the body of our only child to a hospital incinerator thinking that we'd at least learn something through the genetic testing, but it turned out to be for no good reason because you and your staff screwed up, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life." Only my email was much much angrier, and much more detailed, in a very polite rational white-hot molten lava kind of way. I received a very brief reply that respectfully acknowledged receipt of said missive. I felt some closure.
But this whole still being pregnant thing opened that up a bit today. Not auspicious at all.
Back to the old OB. Even after receiving my raw email, she kept her promise and sent me a whole packet of info for my brochure project. I respect that. I was actually kind of shocked to receive it. I figured once I'd hit "send" on that email, she'd write me off. But now I have lots of material to work with, just as soon as I find some time, which is in short supply these days. Work has continued to pile up in my office to the point where I'm frozen, incapable of choosing a project to work on because there are so many of them and there seems to be no light whatsoever at the end of that tunnel.
And today, in the California mountains, the fires burn all around the cabin and meadow where I spent my childhood summers, and I fear that tomorrow it may not be there at all. Even if it survives, the landscape will be forever changed. I hit refresh on my browser about 50 times today, and each time, the flames drew closer. That place was my quiet place, the place I went to in my mind during meditation or medical procedures or any time I needed a calm spot in the midst of pain or chaos. To know that it's burning right now as I type absolutely kills me.
I seriously cannot take any more loss this summer. Sammy, the Mister's grandmother (and, last week, his great-aunt), my health, the wilderness that was my home ... hell, I've even lost my summer. I look forward to the sun coming out all winter long, yet all I've been able to do this year while the sun is out is sit here bleeding from my body and heart and mind. It's just too much.
Speaking of loss, please go hug Egged Out. Her donor cycle didn't work out and my heart aches for her and her husband. If we'd done our donor cycle, she and I would have been cycling at the same time. To go through all that time, money and hope and come out at the end with nothing except the certainty that you still want children ... the universe is too hard on us sometimes. It needs to let the fuck up. Seriously.
Thinking of you tonight with a heavy heart...
Posted by: Heather | August 08, 2008 at 10:17 PM
I am so sorry that the past month or so has been as rough as it has. You know I admire your strength and courage, and I know being brave gets old fast. Sending lots of love and keeping my fingers crossed for a freakishly long summer and more hours of daylight...
Posted by: Aegina | August 08, 2008 at 10:29 PM
You probably already know this, but everything you are feeling is absolutely normal considering the hell that you've been through recently. But, I am still so proud that you stood up to your OB and really let her know how massively she f*cked up. You have hopefully paved the way for future women who deal with this kind of thing with her, even if she wasn't able to do anything for you.
As for the betas, it took me at least 6 weeks to get back to baseline, and that was with a D&C. Considering that your HCG was probably in the 5-digit range when you miscarried, that's a lot to go down.
I am still so sad that you had to go through this, but you will get through it and you will be happy again. I promise.
Posted by: Mrs.X | August 09, 2008 at 06:25 AM
I'm so sorry summer hasn't brought you any rest or relief, that you've lost so many precious people and things in such short order. You're handling it with stunning grace, even though it may not feel that way.
I'm with Mrs. X: things will eventually get better. Not that that mitigates the sadness now.
Posted by: Shinejil | August 09, 2008 at 06:44 AM
I'm so sorry summer hasn't brought you any rest or relief, that you've lost so many precious people and things in such short order. You're handling it with stunning grace, even though it may not feel that way.
I'm with Mrs. X: things will eventually get better. Not that that mitigates the sadness now.
Posted by: Shinejil | August 09, 2008 at 06:44 AM
If you were to peek back in my blog archives from last summer, I was going through the same experience after a botched d&c and a natural miscarriage. It took 4 months for my levels to go down to <5. In hindsight, I probably should have had another d&c, but I opted not to.
Loss is something I've gotten used to over the last three years. As you know more than anyone, there's a lot of useless days, angry days, sad days. But eventually they go get better, and we find a way to move forward. Wishing you peace during this time, when no doubt you need it most!
Posted by: Shelli | August 09, 2008 at 06:50 AM
so sorry for everything you're dealing with. enough loss is right. I really hope at least you can reclaim your body. and I hope your safe happy place in the wilderness is saved too. good luck with all the work piled up too. sometimes it all just seems too overwhelming.
Posted by: luna | August 09, 2008 at 08:43 AM
Oh R, I am so sorry to read this - about the beta and the bleeding, and the loss, and just everything else.
I hope the wind shifted and at least spared that childhood cabin of yours...
I hope that as summer turns into fall, you're able to turn the page (at least metaphorically, as we know the loss will always be "there") on this time and start moving into a more centered, peaceful place.
I'll be thinking of you this week, let us know what new OB has to say...
Posted by: Sherry | August 11, 2008 at 07:18 AM