"Just" adopt, my a**

Friday was our intake interview with the adoption agency. The counselor who conducted the interview and will be doing our home study seems quite nice. We remembered her from the 2-day open adoption seminar that we attended last summer, and we both had positive feelings about her as a person.

The interview went fine, but it was definitely just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how invasive this process is going to become. Luna had a great post on this the other day. After reading it, I told the Mister how much I agreed with her, and he looked at me like I was nuts. "What?" he said, "You think that the adoption process is more invasive than having all those people looking up your hoo-ha the past few years?" (yes, he used the word hoo-ha -- definitely an IF blogger's husband)

Of course, infertility is extraordinarily invasive. But the third-party invasions mostly happen only in a physical sense. Throughout all of the treatments, the proddings and pokings and scans and tubes being shoved up god knows where, I've been able to keep the emotional part of it as my own personal safe place -- the docs and nurses don't get to know what I'm thinking or feeling about anything, unless I choose to share. There are clear boundaries.

The adoption folks, on the other hand, are interested not only in your financial history and your criminal record -- these folks expect you to pry open your soul and lay it on the table for them to inspect. That, to me, is incredibly invasive.

For instance -- our counselor asked us the following questions: Why have we chosen to adopt? What led us here? How have we dealt with our infertility? At what stage is our grief? How has the infertility affected our relationship? Did we ever get pregnant? How long did the pregnancy last? Wow, that's a long time to carry a baby -- how do we feel about that? What does an "open" adoption mean to us?  Have we thought about any limits we would put on the openness? Do our families support the concept of open adoption? How is our support structure outside of our family? Oh, and how are we doing with that grief? Anything else we care to share? Etc. ...

We spent almost 2 hours at this. Short answers were not permitted. This woman wanted details. The worst for me was that she would not leave the topic of infertility and miscarriage. It was like once she settled into that topic area, she was determined to squeeze every drop out of it, picking at my scabs, pushing me to see how far I could go before I completely fell apart. Which of course is exactly what her job is. She has to determine exactly how crazy/angry/sad/depressed we have become by all that life has put us through. She has to determine whether or not we would inappropriately act out towards an already-suffering birthmom. It is her job to pick through the detritus of our mental health and see if what is left is sufficient to entrust with a baby. I get this, really I do.

But that does not make the process any less excruciating to go through. Plus, there is the added bonus of my complete and total hostility to the concept of counseling -- for myself, at least. Someone trying to "counsel" me brings out all of my rabidly nasty "I despise the Helping Professions" personality traits. I have been through a shitload of stuff in my life -- much of which I choose not to blog about -- and more than one person has suggested that it would be appropriate for me to see a counselor to resolve any lingering issues related to these various events. I try to smile sweetly and advise them to keep to their own business, but sometimes my rage wins out, thereby proving said nosy person's point. Clearly, this is a woman who needs therapy if she blows up at the mere suggestion of it, yes?

My personal belief is that folks go into the Helping Professions because they're trying to work out their own unresolved issues on their patients. There is something creepy to me about wanting to crawl into the dark recesses of people's brains, just as there is something creepy to me about people purposely becoming dentists. I can't imagine wanting to do that, and I find the process of dealing with these folks in a professional capacity absolutely abhorrent. So I don't do counseling.

Except that I have to in order to adopt. In order for this agency to help find us a child, I have to submit to what I consider an incredibly unnatural unpleasant process. I'd rather have my eggs retrieved, I'd rather have my ovaries blown up to the size of oranges, I'd rather have fifty sessions with the dildocam in a room full of rude med students than have to submit the privacy of my soul to a stranger's scrutiny.

Not that I'm casting aspersions on our very nice counselor. It's not her fault that it's her job to push all my buttons. But I'm 100% with Luna -- anyone who uses the phrase "just adopt" can bite me. If it's so damn easy, then by all means, let them jump right in and try it themselves. Wear my shoes for a day or two before telling me how comfortable they look, how easy they must be to walk in. And how are you doing with that grief, eh? Tell me alllll about it.

Comments

[luna]

amen, sister. I got over the looking up my hoohah thing pretty quickly -- a girl would have to after 5 surgeries and so much more -- but this is a whole other thing. thanks so much for posting this. I look forward to tracking your progress. this is hard. and we're only just beginning...

[niobe]

My personal belief is that folks go into the Helping Professions because they're trying to work out their own unresolved issues on their patients. There is something creepy to me about wanting to crawl into the dark recesses of people's brains, just as there is something creepy to me about people purposely becoming dentists.

I think you're definitely onto something here.

[duck]

Here is what I find odd, adoptive parents have to jump through hoops and put everyting they ever did out there to have children, yet, no one else has to do this. No one else has to have everything exposed to have a child... damn those women and their working uteruses...(i think i'm projecting here)

[Shinejil]

I know plenty of people in psychology who totally prove your point about the Helping Professions, and, of course, a few who are amazingly grounded and balanced and fought hard to get there. Therapy is something that must be engaged in voluntarily with someone you choose because they work for you, not forced down someone's throat. What you are being forced to do is unnatural for that reason, far more unnatural than intense medical treatments.

I'd have a thousand ultrasounds before I'd want to explain my grief to someone I didn't choose, no matter how wonderful they are.

[Shinejil]

I know plenty of people in psychology who totally prove your point about the Helping Professions, and, of course, a few who are amazingly grounded and balanced and fought hard to get there. Therapy is something that must be engaged in voluntarily with someone you choose because they work for you, not forced down someone's throat. What you are being forced to do is unnatural for that reason, far more unnatural than intense medical treatments.

I'd have a thousand ultrasounds before I'd want to explain my grief to someone I didn't choose, no matter how wonderful they are.

[Heather]

I'm a terribly private person and definitely chafed at some of the more probing parts of the whole process. Although, like you, I understood why they were doing it and, perhaps ironically, picked them because they didn't treat the home study process as a mere formality.

Blogging turned out to be an unexpected bonus. I more or less recited things I had written more than once in answering questions. I found it much easier than going into that emotional space in the moment. I'd already shared it with the internet, so somehow it was easier.

[eggedout]

I agree that the fertility process may be physcially invasive but they never ask you any think personal - like why do you want a child or can your afford a child? or aren't you a bit old for a child. Show them the money and they will help you. They understand that you want to have a child like billions of other people. I have found that refreshing actually. I think I too would rather go through the physical invasiveness than the emotional invasiveness. Your interview sounded very stressful. But it's done and puts you one step closer to becoming a parent.

[Rebecca]

Ooooh...sounds rough. There is nothing easy about IF or adoption...I'm sorry that you were poked and prodded (mentally)...I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end, but this process sounds harrowing.

[The Babychaser]

Oh god, what you are telling me is exactly why I fear the adoption process. So much more invasive than this medical stuff. And so much more painful, too. Unlike doctors, the social workers are judging your worth as parents, not your physical ability to bear a child.

I'm not vehemently opposed to therapy as a concept. I'm sure it helps lots of people and probably would help me, too. But I'm really not willing to go there, and I also get upset when people push it on me.

Just remember: you are amazing and brave and strong. You can do this, and it will all be worth it.

[Kim]

Good luck with your adoption process. Although we are just beginning our journey to a bio child, I often think about adoption and if I have the courage, stamina, fortitude, whatever to go down this path. Increasingly my answer is, i don't think i do. I find infertility treatment so much less daunting and invasive than adoption. I look forward to learning more about your journey.