Documents prove that it's all in my head

Tired of hearing people tell you to "Just relax"? Or that "As soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant"? Check out this great article and Mel's excellent post expanding on the theme.

Another theme I'd like to see covered is the ever-popular group of folks who are certain that the best cure for the misery of miscarriage is urging you to get back on the horse as soon as possible. Because every lost child is a replaceable child, you know, and best not to dwell on the past!

As I continue to bleed out the last bits of what will probably turn out to have been my one and only pregnancy, I am also contemplating a large stack of folders and binders on the bookshelf nearby. Let's see, what do we have here ...

• From my insurance company, a booklet entitled "Guide to your benefits", the essential parts of which can be summed up thusly: "We will pay for every single penny of your pregnancy and miscarriage costs, but won't pay a darn cent toward infertility treatments, because quite frankly, if you don't get pg at the drop of a hat, then you're not someone we're interested in insuring anyway because obviously you're lacking in the family values department." 

• Again from my insurance company, a booklet entitled "Guide to your alternative treatment benefits", which again can be summed up as: "We will let you use alternative treatments (e.g., acupuncture, massage) for just about any imaginary pain you can cook up, but if you have a real malady like infertility, your acupuncturist will have to lie and call it a "menstrual disorder" before we will reimburse her for your visits."

• There's the folder of information from my RE's "Introduction to IVF" class.

• And the very thick folder of information/documents from my first IVF.

• And the slightly thinner folder of information/documents from my second IVF.

• And the colorful folder of information from the open adoption info session (not sure what happened to the 3 or 4 folders of info from the agencies we didn't choose -- must have tossed them).

• And the big binder of info/documents from the 2-day open adoption seminar we attended last summer.

• And the thin but elegant folder of info/documents from the egg donor agency. They refunded our donor deposit, by the way, which was a nice touch.

• And the big thick cheerful folder of "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" material from my doctor's office.

• And the slim grim just-the facts folder of genetic testing information, because after all, we mustn't forget how old my eggs are and what that entails.

• And our copy of the huge pile of documents we submitted to the adoption agency last week.

• And last, but not least, the envelope of receipts for said adoption and medical costs so that perhaps, if we don't make too much money this year, we might be able to get a tax break for having drained our savings in this endless pursuit of a child, who will have to live in rented housing all his/her young life because we've spent our house deposit trying to find him/her.

Now, I must get back to "just" relaxing and "just" adopting.  It's so simple -- not sure why I didn't think of doing it before now!! 

Oh, and dear readers? For those of you who are thinking about taking up the assignment I suggested above and writing that 5-paragraph essay to educate the folks who aren't here in the trenches about good behavior when someone is experiencing miscarriage, may I suggest starting with this concept?  Good etiquette requires that, upon learning that a couple is going to miscarry, one respect a certain period of time to allow that process to actually happen before urging them to try again. If one is really trying for the best approach, Miss Manners also recommends tacking on a lengthy mourning period as well. And even then, my instinct says, and the articles cited above support this idea, that pushing an infertile to magically will herself fertile is something akin to taking your life into your own hands.

I'm just saying.

Comments

[luna]

I've got a good deal of the same folders in a cabinet... including my new one of receipts for a tax refund. and I'm with you on that last bullet -- we've wiped out our down payment trying to just have the kid...

sorry people are so insensitive to talk about trying again so soon -- it just shows so little understanding for what you've been through and what you're going through.

[BrooklynGirl]

And then there are the "God's/Nature's way of taking care of things" or "Wasn't meant to be" folks. They're my personal favorites.

Be good to yourself.

[Almamay]

I'm deeply saddened for you and shocked by people's comments. I'm so sorry.

Our IF medical records have killed a few trees as well over the years. Ho hum.

[duck]

Why is it that people can be so stupid? Sorry to hear you're being plagued by them.

I have gotten the "just adopt" "just relax" from friend in real life who are "infertile" - took clomid and boom pregnant.
Now I didn't freak, but inside I boiled...

[docgrumbles]

I am completely in support of that last paragraph!

[the Babychaser]

I've been sitting here stunned for a moment, because I feel like any response to this can only be "Amen."

As for the stupid assholes who don't understand miscarriage, I have to say that I, too, once suffered from the misconception that a miscarriage "occurred," not that it could be ongoing, that it can take weeks. And NO ONE seems to know how to react to one, unless they've had one themselves.

As for the stupid assholes who think ANY of this can be resolved with relaxation: don't they know that spending this kind of money is REALLY REALLY STRESSFUL??? And even my acupuncturist asked why we don't pursue adoption at the same time as IVF. Where does she think the money is going to come from? We can't afford ONE of the options, how in hell can we afford BOTH???

And the paperwork is just ridiculous. My "medical" file in my office is thicker than some of my case files. And my chart at my RE's office is so think it's literally falling apart. I should start a pool on how long before they give up and start a new one.

Just know you're not alone. There are a lot of idiot out there, some assholes and some just clueless. But those of us who live in your computer really do understand.