Chasing A Child: So long, Sammy

So long, Sammy

At yesterday's appointment, my doctor tried to find the heartbeat with the Do.ppler. After poking around for a few minutes, she said something about not wanting to make us too nervous, and went to get the ultrasound machine. There on the screen was a little fetus, right where it should be and looking just the right size. (Not that I've been obsessively googling "11 week ultrasound" or anything like that). But the body was still and stiff, facing towards us and slightly curled in on itself ... and there was no little flashing light. Doc was quiet while she measured and confirmed that the size was right on target. When she told us that there was no heartbeat, I already knew. I think I knew when she couldn't find it the first time. It's one of the advantages/disadvantages of being so fucking well-informed.

The doc sent us over to get a detailed ultrasound. The ultrasound folks were really super about the way they handled it. No one asked stupid or insensitve questions and they got us in right away. The tech asked me if I'd had cramping or spotting (no), but otherwise was quiet except for the click click of the keyboard. She didn't turn on the little tv by my head, so I didn't see anything. I kind of wish she had, but it's probably just as well. I saw enough in the doc's office and I probably will never forget that image.

When the tech brought out the dildocam, I knew for sure that I was back in the land of the infertile. She finally said that she had not seen a heartbeat either (duh!), then left us alone for awhile. I looked at the screen after she left and saw that her final measurement was 11w0d (10w4d+/-6d). The heart could have stopped yesterday morning ... or the day before, or perhaps over the weekend. I'm guessing Friday when my hormones went all haywire, but of course we'll never know.

When we got home, the Mister asked me what I wanted to do for the rest of the day. I couldn't stand the idea of moping around the house, because I'll have plenty of time to mourn and I know that mourning takes more time than you ever expect it will. "I want to go to the zoo." So we did. We walked around looking at penguins and bears and pygmy goats and giraffes until we were completely exhausted. Of course, the zoo is also a mecca for small children and pregnant women, but that's okay. Life happens. We can't dodge it.

And although this sucks more than words can express, we recognize that it could have been much worse. Sammy's heart could have stopped at 20 weeks, when the pregnancy was obvious to everyone and I'd felt him/her move ... or it could have stopped after the baby was born. That kind of loss would have been unbearable, like having your skin flayed off with hot irons. This ... well, this is completely devastating, and I haven't stopped crying since we got the news, but we'll live through it. That's a gift that the blogosphere has given me. The ability to appreciate my blessings even in the midst of utter hell. So for that I am grateful.

Posted at 08:56 AM in las vegas miracle | Permalink

Comments

Found you through Lost and Found. I'm so sorry things turned out this way, but I'm glad you are still trying to keep your perspective as positive as possible...it must be very difficult, and I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Posted by: SAHW | June 20, 2008 at 04:39 PM

oh Rebecca, what a sh*tty, sh*tty hand of cards you have been dealt. I don't know what to say, but you are in my heart. I'm sorry.

Posted by: Erika Kosina | June 20, 2008 at 04:51 PM

Oh god, I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine. I don't know how you found the strength to go to the zoo knowing what you'd find there. Blessings on you both.

Posted by: honeywine | June 20, 2008 at 06:44 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.

Posted by: My Reality | June 20, 2008 at 07:25 PM

I don't know you or your journey, I found your link on another blog..but I wanted to express my sympathy and condolances to you and your husband. (((HUGS)))

Posted by: Leslie | June 20, 2008 at 08:54 PM

Having experienced this exact same thing a year ago, I can only wish you a peace filled heart and let you know I will keep you in my thoughts and send good vibes your way.

I'am very, truly sorry for your loss.

Posted by: kara_b | June 20, 2008 at 09:04 PM