At yesterday's appointment, my doctor tried to find the heartbeat with the Do.ppler. After poking around for a few minutes, she said something about not wanting to make us too nervous, and went to get the ultrasound machine. There on the screen was a little fetus, right where it should be and looking just the right size. (Not that I've been obsessively googling "11 week ultrasound" or anything like that). But the body was still and stiff, facing towards us and slightly curled in on itself ... and there was no little flashing light. Doc was quiet while she measured and confirmed that the size was right on target. When she told us that there was no heartbeat, I already knew. I think I knew when she couldn't find it the first time. It's one of the advantages/disadvantages of being so fucking well-informed.
The doc sent us over to get a detailed ultrasound. The ultrasound folks were really super about the way they handled it. No one asked stupid or insensitve questions and they got us in right away. The tech asked me if I'd had cramping or spotting (no), but otherwise was quiet except for the click click of the keyboard. She didn't turn on the little tv by my head, so I didn't see anything. I kind of wish she had, but it's probably just as well. I saw enough in the doc's office and I probably will never forget that image.
When the tech brought out the dildocam, I knew for sure that I was back in the land of the infertile. She finally said that she had not seen a heartbeat either (duh!), then left us alone for awhile. I looked at the screen after she left and saw that her final measurement was 11w0d (10w4d+/-6d). The heart could have stopped yesterday morning ... or the day before, or perhaps over the weekend. I'm guessing Friday when my hormones went all haywire, but of course we'll never know.
When we got home, the Mister asked me what I wanted to do for the rest of the day. I couldn't stand the idea of moping around the house, because I'll have plenty of time to mourn and I know that mourning takes more time than you ever expect it will. "I want to go to the zoo." So we did. We walked around looking at penguins and bears and pygmy goats and giraffes until we were completely exhausted. Of course, the zoo is also a mecca for small children and pregnant women, but that's okay. Life happens. We can't dodge it.
And although this sucks more than words can express, we recognize that it could have been much worse. Sammy's heart could have stopped at 20 weeks, when the pregnancy was obvious to everyone and I'd felt him/her move ... or it could have stopped after the baby was born. That kind of loss would have been unbearable, like having your skin flayed off with hot irons. This ... well, this is completely devastating, and I haven't stopped crying since we got the news, but we'll live through it. That's a gift that the blogosphere has given me. The ability to appreciate my blessings even in the midst of utter hell. So for that I am grateful.
So, so sad. I wish there was something I could say other than how sorry I am.
Posted by: niobe | June 20, 2008 at 03:27 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost the heartbeat during one of my pregnancies after 10 weeks.
Posted by: Heather | June 20, 2008 at 04:07 AM
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, it is just crap. HUGS to you.
Posted by: The Clam | June 20, 2008 at 04:21 AM
So sorry for your loss. ((HUGS))
Posted by: Amy | June 20, 2008 at 06:40 AM
I'm here from Doc Grumbles to express my deepest sympathy. This must be just devastating.
Posted by: Becky | June 20, 2008 at 08:05 AM
You don't know me but I just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you right now.
Posted by: Morgan | June 20, 2008 at 08:51 AM
I am so very sorry.
Posted by: bleu | June 20, 2008 at 08:58 AM
Rebeccah, I wish had some words besides 'I'm sorry'. This is so unfair - my heart is breaking for you.
I'm writing this through tears. I am so so sorry.
Posted by: ~Carrie | June 20, 2008 at 09:00 AM
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs. NCLM
Posted by: kimbosue | June 20, 2008 at 09:00 AM
Sending my sincerest condolences for this heartbreaking loss and wishing you peace.
Posted by: Pepper | June 20, 2008 at 09:07 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of hugs.
Posted by: Soapchick | June 20, 2008 at 09:09 AM
I am so so sorry for this loss. I'll be keeping all 3 of you in my thoughts and prayers
Posted by: meghan | June 20, 2008 at 09:12 AM
I am so so sorry. My heart goes out to you and the Mister.
Posted by: Amanda | June 20, 2008 at 09:14 AM
How awful to have to go through this. I'm so very sorry.
Posted by: Jennifer | June 20, 2008 at 09:14 AM
I am so very sorry for your loss, word can not do justice.
Posted by: toni | June 20, 2008 at 09:14 AM
I am so sorry about your loss, my heart is broken for you ((((hugs))))
Posted by: Jewels | June 20, 2008 at 09:16 AM
I am so sorry about your loss, my heart is broken for you ((((hugs))))
Posted by: Jewels | June 20, 2008 at 09:19 AM
i am so so sorry. words cannot express. I pray that you will one day have that baby in your arms.. the one that you deserve.
Posted by: maya | June 20, 2008 at 09:21 AM
I just stumbled onto your blog and read your post. I have lost a child - Samuel was born a micropreemie at 26 weeks. I know that the loss of a child is painful - unbearable at times because of how badly he or she is wanted.
Take the time to mourn and grieve and heal. Again, so sorry for the loss of Sammy.
Posted by: Sara | June 20, 2008 at 09:54 AM
No! Thinking of you at this time. I'm crying with you. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: eggedout | June 20, 2008 at 09:59 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Melissa (aka mmj...Nancy follower) | June 20, 2008 at 11:17 AM
I am so very sorry. It is so heart-breaking, and all I can do is say I am so sorry. Thinking of you.
Posted by: May | June 20, 2008 at 12:19 PM
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.
Posted by: K @ ourboxofrain | June 20, 2008 at 01:20 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Chas | June 20, 2008 at 02:20 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. :-*( Losing a child (no matter how "early" in the pregnancy) is something I can't even fathom. I'm TTC right now so while I don't know what you are going thru, I CAN empathize. And I'm so, so sorry.
April
Posted by: April | June 20, 2008 at 02:37 PM