So long, Sammy

At yesterday's appointment, my doctor tried to find the heartbeat with the Do.ppler.  After poking around for a few minutes, she said something about not wanting to make us too nervous, and went to get the ultrasound machine.  There on the screen was a little fetus, right where it should be and looking just the right size.  (Not that I've been obsessively googling "11 week ultrasound" or anything like that).  But the body was still and stiff, facing towards us and slightly curled in on itself ... and there was no little flashing light.  Doc was quiet while she measured and confirmed that the size was right on target.  When she told us that there was no heartbeat, I already knew.  I think I knew when she couldn't find it the first time.  It's one of the advantages/disadvantages of being so fucking well-informed.

The doc sent us over to get a detailed ultrasound.  The ultrasound folks were really super about the way they handled it.  No one asked stupid or insensitve questions and they got us in right away.  The tech asked me if I'd had cramping or spotting (no), but otherwise was quiet except for the click click of the keyboard. She didn't turn on the little tv by my head, so I didn't see anything.  I kind of wish she had, but it's probably just as well.  I saw enough in the doc's office and I probably will never forget that image. 

When the tech brought out the dildocam, I knew for sure that I was back in the land of the infertile. She finally said that she had not seen a heartbeat either (duh!), then left us alone for awhile.  I looked at the screen after she left and saw that her final measurement was 11w0d (10w4d+/-6d).  The heart could have stopped yesterday morning ... or the day before, or perhaps over the weekend.  I'm guessing Friday when my hormones went all haywire, but of course we'll never know.

When we got home, the Mister asked me what I wanted to do for the rest of the day.  I couldn't stand the idea of moping around the house, because I'll have plenty of time to mourn and I know that mourning takes more time than you ever expect it will.  "I want to go to the zoo."  So we did.  We walked around looking at penguins and bears and pygmy goats and giraffes until we were completely exhausted.  Of course, the zoo is also a mecca for small children and pregnant women, but that's okay.  Life happens.  We can't dodge it.

And although this sucks more than words can express, we recognize that it could have been much worse.  Sammy's heart could have stopped at 20 weeks, when the pregnancy was obvious to everyone and I'd felt him/her move ... or it could have stopped after the baby was born.  That kind of loss would have been unbearable, like having your skin flayed off with hot irons. This ... well, this is completely devastating, and I haven't stopped crying since we got the news, but we'll live through it.  That's a gift that the blogosphere has given me.  The ability to appreciate my blessings even in the midst of utter hell. So for that I am grateful.

Comments

[niobe]

So, so sad. I wish there was something I could say other than how sorry I am.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost the heartbeat during one of my pregnancies after 10 weeks.

[The Clam]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, it is just crap. HUGS to you.

[Amy]

So sorry for your loss. ((HUGS))

[Becky]

I'm here from Doc Grumbles to express my deepest sympathy. This must be just devastating.

[Morgan]

You don't know me but I just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you right now.

[bleu]

I am so very sorry.

[~Carrie]

Rebeccah, I wish had some words besides 'I'm sorry'. This is so unfair - my heart is breaking for you.
I'm writing this through tears. I am so so sorry.

[kimbosue]

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs. NCLM

[Pepper]

Sending my sincerest condolences for this heartbreaking loss and wishing you peace.

[Soapchick]

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of hugs.

[meghan]

I am so so sorry for this loss. I'll be keeping all 3 of you in my thoughts and prayers

[Amanda]

I am so so sorry. My heart goes out to you and the Mister.

[Jennifer]

How awful to have to go through this. I'm so very sorry.

[toni]

I am so very sorry for your loss, word can not do justice.

[Jewels]

I am so sorry about your loss, my heart is broken for you ((((hugs))))

[Jewels]

I am so sorry about your loss, my heart is broken for you ((((hugs))))

[maya]

i am so so sorry. words cannot express. I pray that you will one day have that baby in your arms.. the one that you deserve.

[Sara]

I just stumbled onto your blog and read your post. I have lost a child - Samuel was born a micropreemie at 26 weeks. I know that the loss of a child is painful - unbearable at times because of how badly he or she is wanted.

Take the time to mourn and grieve and heal. Again, so sorry for the loss of Sammy.

[eggedout]

No! Thinking of you at this time. I'm crying with you. I'm so sorry.

[Melissa (aka mmj...Nancy follower)]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[May]

I am so very sorry. It is so heart-breaking, and all I can do is say I am so sorry. Thinking of you.

[K @ ourboxofrain]

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

[Chas]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[April]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :-*( Losing a child (no matter how "early" in the pregnancy) is something I can't even fathom. I'm TTC right now so while I don't know what you are going thru, I CAN empathize. And I'm so, so sorry.
April