At yesterday's appointment, my doctor tried to find the heartbeat with the Do.ppler. After poking around for a few minutes, she said something about not wanting to make us too nervous, and went to get the ultrasound machine. There on the screen was a little fetus, right where it should be and looking just the right size. (Not that I've been obsessively googling "11 week ultrasound" or anything like that). But the body was still and stiff, facing towards us and slightly curled in on itself ... and there was no little flashing light. Doc was quiet while she measured and confirmed that the size was right on target. When she told us that there was no heartbeat, I already knew. I think I knew when she couldn't find it the first time. It's one of the advantages/disadvantages of being so fucking well-informed.
The doc sent us over to get a detailed ultrasound. The ultrasound folks were really super about the way they handled it. No one asked stupid or insensitve questions and they got us in right away. The tech asked me if I'd had cramping or spotting (no), but otherwise was quiet except for the click click of the keyboard. She didn't turn on the little tv by my head, so I didn't see anything. I kind of wish she had, but it's probably just as well. I saw enough in the doc's office and I probably will never forget that image.
When the tech brought out the dildocam, I knew for sure that I was back in the land of the infertile. She finally said that she had not seen a heartbeat either (duh!), then left us alone for awhile. I looked at the screen after she left and saw that her final measurement was 11w0d (10w4d+/-6d). The heart could have stopped yesterday morning ... or the day before, or perhaps over the weekend. I'm guessing Friday when my hormones went all haywire, but of course we'll never know.
When we got home, the Mister asked me what I wanted to do for the rest of the day. I couldn't stand the idea of moping around the house, because I'll have plenty of time to mourn and I know that mourning takes more time than you ever expect it will. "I want to go to the zoo." So we did. We walked around looking at penguins and bears and pygmy goats and giraffes until we were completely exhausted. Of course, the zoo is also a mecca for small children and pregnant women, but that's okay. Life happens. We can't dodge it.
And although this sucks more than words can express, we recognize that it could have been much worse. Sammy's heart could have stopped at 20 weeks, when the pregnancy was obvious to everyone and I'd felt him/her move ... or it could have stopped after the baby was born. That kind of loss would have been unbearable, like having your skin flayed off with hot irons. This ... well, this is completely devastating, and I haven't stopped crying since we got the news, but we'll live through it. That's a gift that the blogosphere has given me. The ability to appreciate my blessings even in the midst of utter hell. So for that I am grateful.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Words fail me.
Posted by: Shinejil | June 18, 2008 at 09:38 AM
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Words fail me.
Posted by: Shinejil | June 18, 2008 at 09:39 AM
Oh, no. no. no.no. I'm so sorry. Dumbfounded. I am very sorry for the loss of your baby, of Sammy. I'm so sorry if anything I said earlier is hurtful now. I'm so shocked. This is so unfair.
Posted by: Ashley L. | June 18, 2008 at 10:07 AM
I am so incredibly sorry. There's nothing more I can say. I really hope you are getting the support you need today.
Posted by: Rachel | June 18, 2008 at 10:33 AM
Oh god, I'm so sorry. What a horrible loss. There are no words. I'll be thinking about you.
Try to take good care of yourself. It sounds like you're doing that right now, so I hope you can maintain that.
I wish there was something more I could say, but you know how it is ....
Posted by: The Babychaser | June 18, 2008 at 11:17 AM
Nooooo. Oh, no, no. Oh honey - I am so sorry. It is such a terrible, terrible moment when you know that your baby has died. It is a pain like no other and I am so sorry that you had to experience it.
Cry whenever you need to, let it all out. Find comfort where you can, and above all, take care of yourself.
And, I really do recommend getting a karyotype. We requested not to be told the gender - it would have been too hard. But, the information that you can get can be so valuable.
I'm holding your hand - it will get easier. I promise.
Posted by: Mrs.X | June 18, 2008 at 11:29 AM
I am so sorry. Truly I am.
If there's anything I can do, if you ever want to talk or IM or whatever, I'm here.
Posted by: BrooklynGirl | June 18, 2008 at 11:45 AM
oh rebeccah, I am so so sorry. there are no words. just so sorry. this is so unfair. please be gentle with yourself.
Posted by: luna | June 18, 2008 at 12:58 PM
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you.
Posted by: Renee | June 18, 2008 at 01:19 PM
I'm just so sorry to hear this news. You and your husband are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Sue | June 18, 2008 at 02:28 PM
I'm in tears for you both. I keep reading your post thinking my dyslexia is playing a terrible, terrible joke on me. This can't be true. The world can't be this cruel. I'm so, so sorry. x
Posted by: Almamay | June 18, 2008 at 04:29 PM
Oh - NO, Rebeccah, I am so truly sorry that this happened. I am heartbroken for you and the mister...I can't believe you have to go through this, it just isn't right.
I wish I had something to say to make it all better, but unfortunately it just doesn't work that way, does it.
I will be thinking of you both - be good to yourself, and to each other...and I am here with you (as much as one can be over the internet) as you walk through this grief and sadness.
Posted by: Sherry | June 18, 2008 at 05:37 PM
This sucks.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: duck | June 19, 2008 at 08:27 AM
You, my dear, strong Rebeccah, are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Melanie | June 19, 2008 at 09:07 AM
I am so very sorry. I don't have the words to express my deepest sympathy for you.
Posted by: Joonie | June 19, 2008 at 11:21 AM
My heart sank when I saw the title. I am so, so sorry. I wish there were something more I could say or do to make this easier. Peace and strength to you.
Posted by: Heather.PNR | June 19, 2008 at 12:01 PM
Oh no. I am so sorry.
This sounds so much like my last loss - the pain, the shock (even when you are informed and prepared) of seeing a perfectly formed little one missing that one important component of life.
I am just so sorry. My heart goes out to you both.
Posted by: docgrumbles | June 19, 2008 at 06:47 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Cindi | June 19, 2008 at 07:13 PM
I am so very sorry,
J
Posted by: Geohde | June 19, 2008 at 07:14 PM
We are so, so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Sara - Village | June 19, 2008 at 08:18 PM
I am so so sorry.
Posted by: Katrina | June 19, 2008 at 08:23 PM
I am SO sorry for your loss. Sending lots and lots of hugs your way.
Posted by: DC | June 19, 2008 at 09:52 PM
I am so sorry. Just so very sorry.
Posted by: Nancy | June 19, 2008 at 10:17 PM
I am so very sorry. My heart goes out to you both.
Posted by: stacie | June 19, 2008 at 10:50 PM
Just sending you hugs girl, I feel i can't say anything right now....xoxoxoxo
Posted by: Wishing4One | June 20, 2008 at 02:05 AM