Moving forward

The other night, we dug out the adoption paperwork.  Amazingly enough, we had completed the hard stuff months ago, after my last IVF.  I'd completely forgotten we did that.  It took about an hour to finish the rest of the paperwork.  Yesterday, the Mister called the agency to see if the prices had changed since last summer and to ask a question about one of the forms.  Of course, they couldn't let us off easily -- a new price sheet and new package of forms are being sent to us, including a couple of spanking new requirements that I blame on the current administration in D.C. -- FBI background checks and fingerprinting. 

For fuck's sake, why do they require this BS from adoptive parents and not from regular folks?!  If it's necessary in one situation, why not require it in all?  Yes, my friends, we are going to "just adopt," because it is so bloody simple and won't take any time at all.  No invasion of privacy, no unnecessary rigmarole, no years of waiting in line with other desperate folks, just a simple walk in the park and poof! you've got a baby.  Not to mention that this will be the second time this year I've been fingerprinted.  The last time was for my bar exam application.  The Mister said he thought about asking if I really had to be fingerprinted again, since I'd been fingerprinted so recently, but decided that the question might be interpreted the wrong way ...

We're not going back to the DE process because we'd have to find a new donor, which is not exactly a simple task and, well, I still have to miscarry this poor little fetus, which is clearly going to take some time.  Then there's the time to heal, which could be many months.  Also, our last brush with DE was kind of eye-opening, in terms of risk. I don't feel like we have any more time to waste with something that isn't going to provide us with certainty. Not to say that we won't still give a natural pregnancy another shot,  now that we know I'm capable of getting pg, perhaps even try some more monitored IUIs, but no more IVFs and no donor cycles.  Nothing that puts all of our chances in great big expensive baskets where the bottom can fall out and leave you with hope like eggs splattered all over the ground and nothing to show for it.  Funny how we reached that point in the road so suddenly, but there it is. After 40, the TTC timeline gets squished down really small, and time runs at triple speed. By 43, all systems are in overdrive 24/7. Time is more precious than gold and the possibilities of success are remote at best.

My doctor called yesterday to see how we were doing. She's a nice person, very concerned about our emotional states. I told her I was holding out for a natural miscarriage and asked how long that might take.  She said that she usually tells people that something should happen within 2-4 weeks, and she offered a date in mid-July for a D&C in case nothing happens by then.  Since I've heard about women waiting 2-5 months (!!) and still having to have D&Cs, I made the appointment. I'm too impatient to wait forever, and now that I've had a week to reflect, I've realized that carrying one's dead fetus around doesn't exactly allow the healing/grieving process to move forward as well as the alternative might do, invasive as that alternative may be. 

So now we have plans in place, and that always makes me feel better.  The illusion of control is a powerful drug.

Comments

[luna]

still so sorry about your m/c and hoping it happens naturally without intervention needed. I understand about walking away from DEs and moving back towards adoption.

it sounds like you're on a similar timeline as me now. we were just fingerprinted yesterday and I'm sending off our homestudy application today. we had done most of our applic. last fall, but it took a few days to finish it.

wishing you well in all of it.

[Heather]

I wish I could say this under different circumstances, but welcome to the adoptive ranks.

[Sara]

Good luck with the adoption process. And I will be thinking of you as these next few weeks pass and your body heals.

[Melanie]

This is a certain amount of peace in a plan, huh? I'm glad you're on your way. Hate, hate, hate the circumstances leading to your new plan, but love the control part, even if illusory.

[docgrumbles]

Best of luck with the adoption process.

I have had both a natural m/c and a D&C. Both involved pain. Don't be scared to get a prescription for pain medication and take it as needed, or even when you think you could need it. I wish you didn't to experience the process at all.

[Wishing4One]

I hope your MC happens naturally and also at least the adoption plan, after your fingerprints AGAIN is getting on its way. Thinking of you my friend.

[Ashley L.]

I'm thinking about you, and glad your plan has given you some clear vision and comfort, even if only a little. I'm just so sorry you are going through this.

[Shinejil]

Your ability to plan and keep the ball rolling is so admirable. I, too, wish you didn't have to go through this. I'm eager to hear more about your adoption journey.

On a completely stupid other note, I haven't had a chance yet to pick up your tag, and I'm sorry about that. I'm going to do so very soon.

[eggedout]

Options are good. The problem with this whole business is that yes, there are lots of options, but we never know which one will lead us to the goal or to be more accurate, which one will lead us to the goal with the least amount of pain, invasiveness, time, money, etc. I'm glad you have a plan which I hope will be the one what leads to the goal. I'm thinking of you.

[Michelle]

found you thru another blog and sending you a hug, you sound "strong" (a word used to descibe me often) and I'm hoping you appreciate all your feelings even the anger when my son died three years ago I tried not to be "angry" boy did that not work...ha! be good to yourself..spoil yourself and I will continue to read so I can celebrate with you when you getthe child meant for you!!!

[Geohde]

I'm so sorry that you're stuck in the zone between loss of your baby and m/c. It does make closure hard.

As for the adoption red tape....sheesh!

J

[aegina]

My heart goes out to you. Lots of love, and good luck with everything. (Incidentally, I'm indignant on your behalf regarding the paperwork, fingerprints, etc.)