Gloom, despair, etc.

Thank you all so much.  I can't tell you how much this community means to me.  It's humbling to see some of the names in the comments to my last post -- women I've admired since I stumbled in here, women who have been through the flames. And strangers too, friends of friends. The Mister and I have been truly touched by your warm words of support.

I just got back from a long weekend with my girlfriends.  We saw this movie.  We laughed until we cried, ate way too much good food and had silly drinks.  It was incredibly distracting in a very healthy way.

But I go to sleep crying and wake up the same.  And the anger?  Oh my, it comes in waves big enough to surf.

I'm trying to hold out for a natural miscarriage -- a phrase that seems like a rather extreme oxymoron. I have been reminded by well-intentioned folks that this will involve something very close to the labor of childbirth, to which I can only reply yes, of course, how else does a fetus get out once it's a fetus?  I've done my research and have no illusions that it will be a gentle process.  Nothing is happening yet, no cramping, no spotting, not a single sign that anything is wrong except that most of my pregnancy symptoms have gone the way of the dinosaurs.  I may change my mind and have the D&C or my doctor may change my mind for me. We'll see.

Several friends and relatives have told me how strong I am.  It's not strength, people.  It's that if I let myself crumble, I will crumble all the way.  I will be so broken that there will be no glue in the world strong enough to hold the pieces together.  It's a survival instinct kicking in, honed by years of experience in the land of Bad Luck. 

Bad Luck is my familiar.  Tough roads have been my paths my entire life. I once even dated a fellow named Luck.  I fell for him hard, and he broke my heart into teensy little pieces.  So even when my Luck takes human form (albeit not the form of a lady), it can truly be said that if it weren't for Bad Luck, I'd have no Luck at all.   Nothing that I have achieved or survived has come easily, except perhaps a certain ability to throw words on a page.  I have battled the demons of dark places more often than anyone close to me realizes.  Happiness is an unfamiliar state and, honestly, a feeling that I am not entirely comfortable with because it is so strange.  When I saw the dark stillness on that ultrasound screen, a part of my mind said "ah, here we are, back in territory you know how to tread."  Hideous, I know, but it's the truth.  Did I wish it upon myself?  Of course not.  But I know how to handle bad news much better than good. 

Comments

[Sara]

I can really relate to your commenting on how it isn't strength that holds us together. It is the fact that if you crumble, you will crumble all the way. Wow, what a way to put it. That is how I felt, maybe even still feel. People would say, "Oh, you are so strong." I always just told them it was because I had to be.

Stay strong. Continuing to keep you in my thoughts.

Sara

[luna]

I'm so sorry rebeccah. I'm sorry that bad news is all familiar. it all just sucks. strength is an innate survival instinct. of course you are strong. but grieving is natural. thinking of you.

[Almamay]

Thanks for letting us know you are still here. I'm sending you thoughts.

I can completely relate to the last paragraph of your post. I could have written it myself if I was a better writer.

[duck]

It's funny, some people have a relatively "easy life" they get jobs easily, find their partner, get married have children etc etc.
For me, and for you, this simply does not describe our lives. I've often wondered why? See I'm not even a pessimist. I'm an optimitist, it has nothing to do with life out look.

I think it's resiliency. Some people are more resilient then others. Like you.
You can get up in the morning and keep going because you have a deep seeded sense of resiliency (that's why your not letting yourself crumble).
And the reason why we have to work so hard? The reason why we get such raw deals? Because we can take it. Because we won't give up. Because those that can't take it are institutionallized (not that we will be heading down that path).

I'm thinking about you lots, take care of each other.

[Sue]

I am so sorry that you have had another turn of bad luck, but I will continue to hope for better things in your future. You and your husband are in my thoughts.

[Shelli]

Lurker here feeling the need to comment. Your last paragraph sent chills down my spine because I could have wrote the same words myself.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Laurel]

Lurker here as well. And I too could have written that last paragraph or at least sometimes I feel that way. I too, at about the same time, was in your practically exact same situation. I am so sorry, and I understand. Do what YOU feel is right. I opted to wait and not do the D&C right away(or not to do D&C at all but after 5 months was told I had to). You are strong and will make the right decision for you. You always pull yourself out of the muck right? This time is no different, but they hurt all the same.
Know that there are people out here thinking about you and wishing you only the best.

[~Carrie]

I am again so sorry for your loss, Rebeccah. I couldn't help but think of you this past weekend and wondered how you were. Please take care. (I wish I had something more eloquent to say)

[Suzie]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Although I dont know you I wish I could there to lend you some support. I am sending lots of healing vibes your way.

[Wishing4One]

I wish I could hug you. I wouldn't tell you're strong or anything, I wouldn't say a word, only a hug.

Thinking of you my friend. xoxoxoxoxo

[eggedout]

Thinking of you and hoping for a change of luck in the future

[The Babychaser]

I've come to hate it when people tell me how strong I am. Not that I disagree, all this shit life has thrown at me has shown me how strong I really can be. It's just that I want to shake them and tell them "I didn't CHOOSE to be this strong. Life just hates me. You could be this strong. Anyone could. They just have to get fucked over often enough."

I really hope your adoption process (and results!) bring you to a place where happiness is also familar territory. That dark place where you live can be exhausting and draining. You need some peace.