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March 13, 2008

Comments

Egged

Great post. You are right where I am. So weird to pick out an egg donor based on a slew of characteristics when if someone would just leave a baby on my doorstep already, I would love it and raise it as my own without a thought as to what type of education or eye color or GPA the birth mother/father had.

I would trust in nurture over nature.

That's why it is so weird to pick a donor. But, the fact is, we have to pick someone. And when there are choices, you have to decide what is most important. And I agree that it is nice to have someone the doctor already knows. One of our first priorities was that the donor actually produce a good number of decent eggs. We don't want to invest this money and then have no fertilized eggs at the end of it. So our first priority was using a proven donor who have proven herself at our clinic. Then we went down our other choices.

It's a very bizarre activity. DH asked me if I wanted to look at some outside agencies rather than choose from the relatively small selection my RE offered. I was afraid of getting on a never ending search for the person most like me and I was scared that I would never settle on someone.

I am satisfied with my choice from the choices presented. If I had a zillion more choices, maybe I would have chosen someone else. Who knows. And now, we don't know yet if this donor will agree to do it. We are still waiting. So we may have to go through it all again...

Sorry this was a long post. You just hit on things that I have been thinking about lately.

luna

excellent post. you know there comes a time when additional research becomes unnecessary -- there's always more to find and learn, but it doesn't add value and serves to overwhelm. sounds like you've got a well reasoned approach and I look forward to hearing your about your decision-making process. and I love the link. ~luna

Heidi

If it helps, we had a choice between exactly TWO anonymous donors (because we were going with local choices recruited by and offered through our RE). Well, we could have turned down either of those options and waited for another choice to come up, but we were most definitely ready to do it, and one of the women sounded enough like us that it made sense to move ahead.

No regrets here. I'm most definitely the researchy type myself--PhD in English!--but have with great difficulty learned to appreciate the fact that copious research can often hinder, rather than enhance, effective and enjoyable parenthood.

And for the record, the donor we chose had very few physical characteristics in common with me but quite a few with my husband, and especially with his sisters. Yet my son supposedly looks so much like me that strangers comment on it. Go figure. I thing people see resemblance where they expect to see it, though it's true he looks more like me than he does like my husband.

Good luck to you, and I hope that you can focus on the excitement of making a decision and moving ahead with it rather than obsessing over the decision itself.

vanessa

SO interesting! We we just talking about this in my college writing class! I totally agree, theres something so unnatural about trying to make some sort of super human from DE. I was reading an essay-- "Grade A: A Market for a Yale Women's Eggs-- that touched on this subject. It was from the donors point of view. It really made me think in a different perspective.
Good luck with your decision :)

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