Melting point

A friend of a friend introduced us to some people when we moved to the New Town.  We sort of hit it off with one couple (let's call them Ted and Sue), and saw them socially for awhile.  Sue introduced me to a bunch of her friends who had a monthly girls' gathering, which was fun until things got weird.  At first, Sue was perfectly pleasant (although understandably depressed because of a recent miscarriage), but as the months went past, she became really nasty. I never did figure out whether I had done something to annoy her, or whether she was simply in a bad spot in her life.  Eventually, I stopped going to the girls' gatherings, and we stopped seeing Sue and Ted.  No big drama; we just didn't call each other anymore.  A few days ago, the Mister learned from the friend of a friend that Sue is pregnant.  Why oh why couldn't I just take that news gracefully, rather than thinking "Damn it, she doesn't deserve to be pregnant; she was mean to me!"  But there you have it -- that's what went through my mind.  Right after that, I said out loud, "Good for her!" and truly meant it.  But I'm still cranky about her being so undeniably nasty.

Unrelated to that, last night I had a wee bit of a meltdown.  After a long day of studying (oh, the torture of being trapped inside on a rare sunny day in the PNW), the Mister and I went out for a burger and came home to watch a movie.  It was a nice harmless movie, a fantasy where the young handsome prince who doesn't know he's a prince meets the young beautiful woman of his dreams, and after much trouble and turmoil, they live happily ever after.  Awwwww.  Then the narrator said, "And many years later, after their children and grandchildren were grown... "  And all hell broke loose with my tear ducts.  Unbeknownst to the Mister, who was out walking the Puppy, I spent a good 10 minutes bawling in the bathroom before crawling into bed and hiding under the covers.  You know how that goes, right?  Some random trigger just lets loose the floodgates, and there you are, wailing away, mopping a river of tears, gazing furiously into the mirror while (if you're a certain age) poking at the thinning, sagging skin around your eyes and raging at the thousands of rapidly greying hairs on your head, while wishing you'd spent your misspent youth in a more productive manner.  Or never gone to law school.  Or both. 

Buddha said that suffering is caused by attachment.  Alleviating suffering requires embracing the fact that everything changes and you can't always get what you want.  I'm not very good at that part of things.  If I want something, I will move heaven and earth to get it, and everyone should get out of my way or else.  To come up against this kind of brick wall is not something I'm accustomed to, and it's not something that pleases me in any way, shape or form.  I'm furious and I'm frustrated and yes, it's Just Not Fair. As I told the Mister this morning, stories with happy endings are not working for me right now.  Give me a good tragedy to chew on or a nice gloom and doom shoot-em-up cops story, and I'll be fine.  But for god's sake, don't tell me about nubile young creatures finding their true love at the perfect time in their procreational cycles and living happily ever after.  I'm not presently equipped to deal with that kind of tale.

But that's not the story I meant to tell you.  I was going to talk about the mechanics of crying, because it's something I struggle with.  My problem is that once I start crying, it's almost impossible to stop.  Even after I'm done being sad, the tears keep coming all day long, my eyes are a red swollen mess, I look like hell, and there's no way to stop it.  This is why I hate crying in the morning, because it plays havoc with the rest of my day.  If I start sniveling at 8 a.m., I'll still be wiping tears at 3 p.m.  The sadness (or anger) itself is long past, but try telling that to my tear ducts, or explaining it to my co-workers.  The other problem is that when I cry, it's not just for the one thing that made me sad or pissed me off -- it's for every single thing in my life that has ever made me sad or angry. Which is really quite a fair amount of stuff, when you add it all up. Perhaps that's why it takes so long for me to stop crying; my body is still trying to empty the buckets of angst that I carry around with me.  I've tried to purge them, I've tried.  But one can't spend one's entire life crying just because there have been a lot of things to cry about.  It's an incredible waste of time, and oh so annoying. 

This is why I try to save my big cries for right before bedtime.  That way, I can just close my leaking eyes, blow my nose a few hundred times, wipe the tears on my pillowcase and pass out.  In the morning I have swollen eyelids and a bit of a headache, but it's better than spending an entire day crying when there are more productive things to do.

Like taking the Puppy to the off-leash dog park where the big dogs play, which is exactly what we did this morning.  He's one tired doggy tonight.

Comments

[vanessa]

I think we all feel like that when someone we dont like ends up pregnant! Its a natural response to be irritated. But I think you handled it well ;)

As for the whole crying thing, that is kinda odd. Usually after a good cry I feel invigorated and relieved.

[Almamay]

I do know how it goes. I always wondered why I could go for months and not cry and then other times I was like a tap in need of a washer, it was non-stop. I've been looking into prolactin as I had raised levels last year. One of the things I found in my reading around raised prolactin levels one of the side effects was excessive tears/crying. When I looked back at my blood test results and compared it with my diary my raised levels coincided with the tears. I'm anxious posting this in a comment but your post really struck a chord with me.

[luna]

I just watched that movie and that happy ending put a lump in my throat too. stupid fairytales.

I find a good cry to be cleansing, but like you I find it's hard to turn off the release valve once it's been opened. I practice a lot of deep breathing to avoid inappropriate times, and I let loose when I am free to bawl without limit. I think it's necessary and cathartic.

here's a secret trick for you -- rinse your eyes with cold water after crying to remove the salt, which makes them puffy. sad that I know this, but it's true. cold water rinse!

and btw I still don't see how I can possibly remain "unattached" to the idea of motherhood. this is where buddhism fails me, or where I fail myself maybe... thanks for this post.
~luna

[~Carrie]

It's difficult to accept the idea that you can't always get what you want (I certainly have not accepted that idea, though I know I should) because we're taught that if you work hard enough, try hard enough, want it bad enough, you can get whatever your little heart desires! IF totally crushes that whole idea. You can try your a** off, do everything possible and IF still can come back and laugh at you. You're obviously a very determined person (I can't fathom taking the bar exam) and as such, the whole IF thing just doesn't make sense. It certainly doesn't make sense to me,

Oh, the overactive tear ducts - you could be describing me. Have you installed cameras in my house?! Crying at bedtime is worse for me though - I look like a monster the entire next day. I can actually hide a long-term daytime on-off cry better than a pre-bedtime cry.

BTW, regarding your earlier post about male partners who refuse to even explore the idea of assisted reproduction - I don't get it. I can see a guy being a little uncomfortable, perhaps, at first, especially if they don't know much about it. But, for the men who won't even discuss it (for reasons that aren't financial, they've already tired everything possible, religious issues, etc) I think it may come down to MANhood. They will feel like they're less of a MAN if they can't knock up their wife/girlfriend the 'old fashioned' way.
Or, they're just total jerks.

I enjoy reading your posts - thanks for continuing to write during this very busy and stressful time for you.