I had lunch with a friend the other day. It was awesome. She let me talk my head off about some difficult stuff that's gone down in the last few months (and years), and she gave me some thoughtful advice. It was such a relief to be able to talk about the things that have been rattling around in my head, but the best part was that she *got* it, and for an hour and a half, I wasn't alone.
Despite the fact that certain people think I have no boundaries whatsoever, there are things I just can't write about on this blog, and that sucks, because those things are directly related to my journey of chasing these long-elusive children. I want to write about what infertility, adoption and ART do to your life, your sense of self, and your relationships -- intimate and otherwise. I want to write about parenting and being married in the "after", and how babies never fix things that were broken before the wee ones were born. I want to write about battles that I can't believe I'm fighting and words that should never have to be spoken. I want to write about the way that you can tell how someone was parented by the way that they treat other people, and how conscious I am about wanting my children to not follow in certain footsteps. I want to write about being surrounded by people 24/7 and being deeply, profoundly lonely, even with a perfect baby nuzzling my breast.
I had no intent of becoming one of those infertility bloggers who stops writing when she has kids. But, for a variety of reasons, the things I want to say now can't be said here without creating a giant shitstorm in my life. Years ago, I made the mistake of sharing this URL with family members, and now I'm paying the price. If I happen to decide one day to open a new space for that story, and you'd be interested in reading, let me know.
In completely unrelated news, I've now started receiving hate mail of the white supremecist variety. Fan-tas-tic. Dear "Karen" in Ohio: It would be hard for me to send my son "back to Africa", since he was born right here in the good ol' U.S.of A. Perhaps you should go back to whatever European country you came from if you don't like me blogging about racist assholes like you. Just sayin'.
Yeah, so, this space ... what to do with it ...