Debating "openness" with myself

I'm going to take a little side journey from my new obsession with donor embryos to respond to a prompt from the Open Adoption Roundtable. It's been tricky responding to these lately, as my free time has been incredibly rare, and some of the topics have not been applicable to our particular open adoption situation. This week's prompt speaks directly to something I've been wanting to blog about recently -- it poses the question of how to handle a dispute about the appropriate level of openness when the dispute is between people on the same side of the adoption triad -- for example, a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.

The Mister and I have pretty much always seen eye to eye about openness, so that's not a problem. Any dispute we may have with our families about openness remains swept under the carpet, where most of our family disputes tend to end up. My family is too afraid of my Mama Bear nature to raise the issue with me, and the Mister's family just doesn't talk about these things. Our son is too young to have an opinion one way or the other on his adoption. And we have only one-sided contact with our son's first mom. We send her monthly emails and photos, but we haven't heard from her since Squeaker was just a few weeks old, so if there are any disputes in her mind or with people she cares for, we don't know about them. Squeaker's birth father is not in the picture and never has been.

The dispute about openness is arising at this moment between me, myself, and I.

First, a little background: After a little bit of initial squeamishness, I bought into the concept of open adoption fully, without reservation, 100%. I would be totally happy to have regular visits and phone calls with Squeaker's first mom. I'd be happy to have him meet her family and vice-versa. She's not comfortable with that at this time, and that's just how it is. I'm not going to push her, although I have heard of adoptive families who have done so with positive results. The Mister and I agree that pressure from us would not be wise in this situation, so we have opted to leave the door open and hope that someday she'll walk through it. We keep photos of her in Squeaker's room and we'll be open with him about his adoption and his first mom in ways that are age-appropriate as he grows. And, of course, we'll keep  sending information to his first mom and hope that she continues to be open to receiving it.

But in the meantime, we worry about her. She is, after all, a member of our extended family. Her life situation is not an easy one, and we want to know that she is okay. So, being somewhat of a research hound, I have tried to see if she has an online existence. Most of us do, these days, some more private, and some quite open. Without revealing too much information, let's just say that I found where she expresses herself. I don't want to say too much about what I found. It was both strangely cryptic and very revealing. There was lots of random personal information, and there were also photos of her family members, which I quickly saved to my computer, feeling oddly creepy and stalker-y as I did so. But they are my child's family. How could I not?

And now, I have a dilemma.

Do I continue to read? She posts in a place and in a manner where the world can see it, but it is not always information that I would post so publicly about my life. I'm not judging her at all -- she has a strong personality and is not afraid to live her life on her own terms. If she hadn't posted where she did, it is possible (assuming she never walks through the door we keep open for her) that this information might be all we have to share with our son. When he is older, if I tell him I had access to the information and didn't read it, will he think I somehow failed him?

On the other hand, it really does feel like I'm spying on her. She didn't give me this URL. She probably isn't thinking that I have any access to her postings. But at the same time, she didn't make it hard to find her. In fact, it was amazingly easy. She clearly wants to be found by someone. I'm pretty sure, however, that someone doesn't include the adoptive parents of her child.

What would you do in this situation? What's the ethically appropriate thing to do? And, importantly, what in the world is the best thing to do for our little boy?

Comments

[SassyCupcakes]

Ethically? I have no idea. I suppose ethically I'd say to not read it and to keep things open and clear so there's the possibility of having an open relationship with her in the future.

In reality though, I'd read it. And more than that I'd probably keep a copy of it so my kid could have an opportunity to know as much about their birth family as possible. I would probably contact her though, say that I found it and ask if it's okay for you to continue reading it or if she'd like you to give her some privacy in her public postings. Really, I guess the best way to think of it is - what would you want her to do if she found this blog?

[Wishing4One]

Oh man. I am not sure if I have any advice really. But I think I would be like you and save things in case she never connects or walks through the open door you have waiting for her. This way you could at least show Squeaker his first family. I would also continue to read, I think. True she did not give you the url, but as you said it was easy to find and she must have some idea of privacy or lack of online, would't you think? The suggestion above is good too, but not sure I would want to risk the idea of her stopping writing or thinking that you were "looking" for her? Its a tough one to call.

[Sue]

Our situations are a little different, but I do exactly the same thing. We have a DE baby and worked with a known donor, but we don't have ongoing contact with her. She did agree she would have contact with our child if he wants that when he is older, but nothing is set in stone. So basically I cyber stalk her and her family on Facebook and save photos and pages for our child. The information is out there for anyone to see, so I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Maybe in some ways I'm afraid of losing track of our donor and our child never knowing more about that part of himself. My husband was adopted an an infant and knows absolutely nothing about his biological relatives, so we understand very well what not knowing is like - we live with it every day.

[Maru]

We also have a one sided relationship with my daughter's birthmom. We send her pictures and letters, but we haven't heard from her since our daughter was 2 days old.

I must confess - I did the same thing. I looked her up, but it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Her name is just too common. I just wonder how I'd feel if I do find her...

[joy]

I too cyber stalk son #2 first family. First mom, current boyfriend and uncles are easily read- first father has old pics up and I have 'acquired' them for our sweet boy- who has never met him- and probably never will. My issue at Christmas was a bad one. I had read- prior to our scheduled meeting that first mom had a newish beau. So I checked him out. He posted all kinds of bravado, comments about being a one woman man- but no pics of first mom and just plain rude. I figured we'd be meeting- though first mom didn't ask if he could join. He did- and it took me a good long time to warm up to him. It turns out- at least in front of us, first mom and her folks and brother- that he is quite different from the persona I found on myspace. Now, do I continue- or give up and just let things happen? I'm sure he felt I was a cold fish at first...because I was!

[Carrie]

That is a touchy situation.

On one hand, she's posted info that made her easily searchable so she can't be expecting complete privacy. On the other hand, even a blog is still a type of diary... I know it always creeps me out when I find out someone I know has been reading my blog and never bothered to at least let me know. It does feel stalkerish. Is that how you want to appear to her if you don't tell her but she finds out in the future? Obviously we know you don't, but how will it seem to her?

Try doing two pros/cons lists: one for telling her and one for not telling her and see how they turn out.

[M]

I also cyber-stalk. Since our son's mom was not interested in an open adoption, it's the only way for me to keep track of birth family members in case my son wants to make contact in the future.

I do feel a little creepy about it, but not that creepy, and I don't feel that it's wrong to do. If it's in the public record or posted as public on a website, well, it's just plain public.

[luna]

tough one. I always think how I'd feel if someone was reading my blog. hmm.

if you do continue to read, you could always tell her so some time, if/when you ever do see her again. at least you can have something for squeaker, if it's the kind of thing you;d feel comfortable sharing with him some day.

[Shinejil]

Wow. What a question. In a more general sense, is it ethical to collect more info about a person than they choose to reveal to you? It's not like she said, oh, "I have a blog/Fbook/whatever thing online, but I'd prefer if you and Squeaker didn't read it." But she also didn't say, "Hey, look me up online! I'm cool with that."

If this weren't such a sensitive issue, I'd say what someone puts in a public forum is there for all to see and make whatever use of. Which is why I am fairly private.

Could you email her or contact her discretely online? Let her know that you found her there, and that you'd like to know what she feels about you reading her info and possibly saving it for Squeaker?

[Tiffany]

I say read and save. I believe the more info for our children the better.

[Jennifer Gruskoff]

Thanks for your post and blog. Great story.

Come check out our new site called goodkin (www.WeAreGoodkin.com) We are a non-tradtional family lifestyle site that looks at new kinds of families all over. I think you'd like it. There are some great adoption stories running now.

Thanks!