Re-thinking openness

Heather has convened the first Open Adoption Roundtable and asked us to write on this question:

What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could?

Quick answer: Just because you want an open adoption doesn't mean that your child's first mom will want the same thing.

When I wrote about meeting our little Squeaker, I was purposely short on the details of his birthmom's situation. I'll flesh that out just a bit more here, although I'm trying not to invade her privacy any more than absolutely necessary to answer the question. For a variety of very compelling reasons, Squeaker's first mom made the difficult choice to place her child for adoption. But she made that choice in a relative vacuum. She kept her pregnancy a secret from her friends and family. In her mind, she reached the conclusion that she would pursue adoption. And that's as far as her planning went.

She went to the hospital, she gave birth to her child by c-section, and 3 days later, when the hospital was ready for her to check out, she told them that the baby wouldn't be leaving the hospital with her. It was only then that the hospital called the adoption agency. The agency sent a social worker to meet with her, and the social worker gave her a handful of potential adoptive families to choose from. She selected us as her first choice and another family as a backup in case we didn't work out. Six hours later, we reached the hospital -- late at night, in the middle of a snowstorm.

During that time, the social worker spoke with her about open adoption, and explained that we would be signing an agreement in which we would promise to send photos, letters, arrange for visits, etc. All of this was a surprise to this young woman. She'd never heard of open adoption. We think that she was probably expecting that she'd have the baby, the hospital would handle everything, and she'd never see him again. She had mentally prepared herself for that scenario. Suddenly, she had to adjust to an entirely new concept -- openness. It was the middle of the night, she was in pain and exhausted, not to mention hopped up on hormones from the pregnancy and birth. It must have been an incredible amount of difficult information to process, under unthinkable circumstances.

We saw quite clearly at the time that she was struggling to grasp what "open" might mean. We, on the other hand, had been thoroughly educated and counseled by our agency. We were all over the open adoption concept -- we could proselytize about openness with the best of them. We had all the theory and the phrases and the philosophy memorized. We were ready, and we were excited.

And yet, we totally sympathized with this young mother. Openness wasn't what she was expecting when she started the adoption process. It's a relatively radical concept for those who have never heard of it. And who are we to demand it from her if she's not ready? We have done our best. We send photos and emails on a regular basis. We called her once in the beginning, but her life situation makes phone calls risky, and it was pretty clear that she was more comfortable with expressing herself in writing. We don't want to harass her or push her into a situation she's not ready for. It's a very fine line to walk between respecting her right to privacy and letting her know that we're here when and if she's ready. All we can do is keep the door open, let her know where we are, tell her when we'll be in her city and that we'd love to see her, and then leave it up to her to let us know if she'd like to meet us for a visit. I think it may take some time, perhaps years, before she reaches that point. And that's okay.

What's important is that she knows that the door is open, and that we remind her on a regular basis that we fully intend to keep it open. From there, we can only be patient and hope that one day, she'll decide to walk through it, or at least poke her head around the corner and say hi.

Comments

[niobe]

It's not exactly the same thing, but I feel a little sad that our surrogate has made clear that she doesn't want any further contact. I can understand why, but I wish things were different.

[shinejil]

I guess that's the other side of openness: allowing the first mom/parents to withdraw or limit contact due to life circumstances.

It's amazing--the variety of experiences and relationships that evolve in open adoption. I'm really learning a lot from the round table and thoughtful posts like yours--so thank you.

[docgrumbles]

I used to work on an adoption study as an interviewer. One thing I noticed was that almost every participant I interviewed, whether birth or adoptive parent, seem to express desire to be either more or less open. I imagine it could be difficult to get it just right for both parties.

[Heather]

I've always thought last-minute placements must be some of the toughest to draw an open adoption out of. It must be hard to be introduced to open adoption in the middle of the of the trauma of placing. Thinking about what it would be like to see him again at the same time you're trying to say goodbye.

Thank you so much for participating. Your perspective on this is so thoughtful.